Title: Betrayal Author: Katherine Benton Rating: R for implied violence and sexual situations (some implied non- consensual sexual situations) Category: MSR Spoilers: Demons the Future Summary: Mulder's actions after Demons have devastating consequences Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions. I'm only borrowing them. I have no money so please don't sue me. Betrayal The first thing Agent Mulder was aware of was something hard pressing into his wrist and the inability to move his right arm. He realized he was lying on a soft surface--a bed. A slight, experimental tug at his arm confirmed he was handcuffed. He experienced a moment of panic before his training and experience automatically took over. Calmly, slowly, he opened his eyes and squinted at the light, trying to determine where he was. Panic gripped him again when he realized he had no memory of how he got here--he couldn't remember working on a case, being attacked, nothing. The last thing he remembered was Scully working to clear him of murder charges. Scully! Had she been taken too? Who was responsible for this? His groggy mind raced with questions as he struggled to reenter reality. His eyes were finally adjusting to the light. Stiffly, he raised his head and looked around him. He was on a bed, his right arm handcuffed to the rails of the headboard. It was a hotel room. He looked around for his captors. He saw Scully was sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed wrapped in a blanket, staring at him with an unreadable expression on her face. The humor of awakening handcuffed to a bed in a hotel room with his desirable partner made him momentarily forget the seriousness of the situation and brought one of his usual wisecracks to his lips. He was about to speak but froze instead when he saw Scully was pointing her service weapon at him. Scully had awakened from her fitful dream with a start. She looked at Mulder on the bed and realized it was his movement that had awakened her. She raised her gun and waited for Mulder to come around completely. "What's going on here Scully?" Mulder asked somewhat nervously. As he spoke he became more aware of his surroundings. He had obviously been in a fight. His arms were bruised and sore as if he had grappled with someone. He could feel that he had been struck in the face and he saw scratches on his bare shoulders and chest. It felt as if he had many more on his back. Scully's clothes were torn--thus the blanket. He could see bruises on her throat and arms. "What do you remember?" Scully replied. Her voice sounded shaky. "Scully, I can't remember anything. What the hell am I doing handcuffed? What's the gun for, Scully?" "For my protection. I'm not taking any more chances with you." "Scully, what is going on here?" Mulder asked again, becoming more alarmed and enunciating each word. "What do you remember?" Scully repeated, also enunciating each word. Mulder sighed, frustrated. "I remember calling you after waking up in a hotel room with blood on my clothes. I remember you trying to clear me of murder. I remember going over to Mom's house. I don't remember anything after that. Now what is going on?" "You can read about it in my field report." Scully replied tersely with an obviously relieved expression. She moved over to the bed with her gun still trained on Mulder, "Right now my only priority is getting you home without anymore injuries to you, anyone else, or myself." She paused by the bed. "I am going to put my gun down and reach into my bag"--Mulder saw it on the table next to bed--"if you make any sudden movements Mulder, I guarantee you I can get the gun and shoot you before you can get free of those cuffs." Mulder stared at Scully in disbelief and watched her pull a butterfly syringe out of her bag. She took out antiseptic and a cotton swab. Taking Mulder's free hand, she began to wipe it down. She then picked up the syringe. Mulder tensed and Scully jumped for her gun. "Look Scully, I just want to know what you're doing." "I've got to drive you back to Washington and I don't trust that anything in that car is strong enough to cuff you to and hold you if you really try to break free. So, I'm going to sedate you. It's a long drive. I can leave this butterfly syringe in and make multiple injections into it--it will be less painful than a series of shots." Mulder pulled his hand away roughly, looking at her as if she were mad. She reacted instantly by cocking the gun and aiming it at his shoulder. "Wait, wait a minute!" Mulder froze. "You can't expect me to just go along with all this. For God's sake Scully. I wake up handcuffed to a bed. My partner is pointing a gun at me. I can't remember anything and now you want to inject me with God only knows what. Why in the hell do you want to sedate me...Why am I handcuffed?" When she didn't reply, he continued more calmly, trying to sound soothing. "Scully, I trust you...you are the only person a trust, you know that. But you've got to give me something to work with here. You are really scaring me." Speaking in her "clinical" voice, Scully intoned, "You didn't seem to be concerned about having a perfect stranger drill holes in your head and inject you with 'God only knows what.' Why are you so concerned about me? At least I'm a doctor." She watched Mulder's expression as realization dawned--he was starting to remember the treatments. She didn't want him to remember too much, so she continued to distract him, "You are still under the influence of a very powerful drug, Mulder, that is causing you to hallucinate and have blackouts and violent episodes. That is why you can't remember anything. I cleared you of the murder charges but you had already run off and locked yourself up in your summer house with a gun. You were released into my custody but you are still having blackouts. They will continue until the drug is entirely out of your system." By the end of her speech her voice broke, she was near tears. "Scully, what is it...what happened? Are you implying that I.... My God, Scully, did I hurt you?" Mulder reached out to her with his free hand, concern evident in his tone of voice. If whatever had happened had been serious enough to upset her so completely, that concerned him greatly-- especially since her words implied he had been the cause of her injuries somehow...that she thought he might cause her more injury. Scully jumped back and raised her gun again, her face a mask. "Scully, did I hurt you?" he repeated, panic in his voice, oblivious to the gun in her hand. "Shut up!" she replied, tearfully. "Did I hurt you?" he demanded again, sitting up painfully and moving toward her as much as his restraints allowed. "Do not move." "O.K. Scully, alright. Calm down. I'll do what you ask. Just put the gun down before you kill me. Your hands are shaking," he said soothingly. Her expression actually showed fear--of him. He couldn't imagine what he could have done, but he didn't want to frighten her any more. With his free hand up, palm up toward her in surrender, he lied back on the bed slowly. She put her gun down and picked up the IV again. Without any other words or resistance, Mulder watched as Scully cleaned his hand and inserted the needle. He flinched. "Sorry," she whispered. "It's been since medical school since I did an IV." She didn't want to hurt him. She taped the butterfly syringe in place securely and stepped back, picking up her gun again. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the keys to the handcuffs and tossed them within Mulder's reach on the bed. She gestured in the direction of the cuffs and Mulder slowly reached for the keys and unlocked the cuffs. He didn't move. "Get up and get dressed." Scully ordered. Mulder realized for the first time that he was completely unclothed. "What the hell....why am I...How did I get...What. Is. Going. On?" This time Scully did break down in tears. "Get dressed," she ordered. Completely bewildered but not wanting to do anything further to upset her, Mulder reached for his clothes. In the car, Scully handcuffed Mulder to the armrest and climbed in the driver seat. She took out the syringe, filled it with a sedative from her bag, inserted the needle into the IV, and pushed the sedative without a word. Mulder felt a rush of heat and grimaced from the burning sensation. "Sorry," Scully whispered turning away from him and starting the car. The world began to swim as the sedative took affect. **** The first thing Mulder was aware of was a pain in his hand. He realized he was lying on something soft--a bed. With a panicky sense of deja vu Mulder opened his eyes and immediately recognized he was in a hospital. The pain in his hand was a saline drip IV. A nurse in the room turned and smiled at him. "Good morning Agent Mulder. Do you feel better?" "Scully." Mulder croaked out. "My partner," he added at the confused look on the nurse's face. The nurse smiled again. "She admitted you yesterday. You were subjected to a dangerous drug but we have flushed it from your system. There doesn't appear to be any permanent damage. You should be feeling better but its doubtful you'll have much memory of what happened. Are you hungry? I'll get you a tray." Mulder was released from the hospital a day later. Scully had not come to see him. She had not answered her phone when he called. She was not in their office when he came in. Mulder looked at his electronic calendar and saw he was scheduled to appear with Scully at a hearing board today at 11:00. She had been serious when she said he would read about the details of what had brought him to be handcuffed in that hotel room in her report! Mulder entered Skinner's office. Scully was already there. He took his place next to Scully but she did not look up. At Skinner's request, she began her report. An hour later Skinner began the questions, "This is your full report Agent Scully?" She nodded not meeting his eyes. "Let me get this straight. You are claiming that Agent Mulder's gun discharged 7 times when he dropped it on the floor at your orders. The bullets broke the glass of a mirror and embedded in a wall above your head, after firing from a gun on the floor. That is your statement Agent Scully?" "That is correct, Sir." Scully replied evenly, looking straight forward. "Nothing else happened, yet you brought him back to Washington sedated and admitted him to a hospital." "Correct, Sir." Skinner asked point blank, "Are you protecting Agent Mulder, Scully?" "No, sir" "Are you concealing any other evidence from this investigation concerning Agent Mulder's conduct that might be relevant?" "No, sir." "Can you then explain how the bullets from the gun on the floor were embedded five feet up the wall at the angle recorded by the investigative team?" "No, sir." "Can you explain your own injuries...those bruises, for example?" "They are unrelated, sir." Skinner frowned and tossed the report on the table and paced around to stand over them. Scully continued to stare straight forward. Skinner looked at the wall in disgust, then severely back at his agents. "Agent Scully, this report is, in my opinion, completely incredible," he paused to measure her reaction. She made none. "I have to admit, however, it is not as incredible as some of your other case reports. So, I will let it pass. This time. I don't have to remind you of the consequences of filing false reports." "No, sir." "See to it I don't ever have to mention this to you again." She did not reply. He turned his attention the Agent Mulder. "Agent Mulder, you purposefully subjected yourself to a medical treatment you knew nothing about while investigating a case. You risked your life. You probably endangered your partner's. This irresponsible behavior will not be tolerated." He paused. "I will be placing a formal reprimand in your file. I would be dismissing you if Agent Scully's testimony had confirmed you had endangered her life or anyone else's during this little episode." They both looked at her. She continued staring straight forward. "You get a lot of slack around here, Agent Mulder, with your unorthodox investigative style. I am drawing the line here. Understood?" "Yes, sir," Mulder said, speaking for the first time during the hearing and sounding sincerely repentant. "It will never happen again." "See that it doesn't. Dismissed." Scully got up and left without a word. Mulder had to run to catch up with her. He grabbed her arm to make her stop. She pulled violently away and backed off. "Leave me alone Mulder. I need some time." She fled down the hall. Scully returned to work a week later. Mulder had never seen her take time off work, not even after loosing her sister or being abducted. He also had never known her to so flatly refuse to give him any explanation. Her report shed no light on what had really happened. She had not returned any of his calls. When she returned to work, she came into the office, asked about the case he was working on, and went straight to the autopsy bay to do the examination he had ordered. It had been on hold since he trusted no one but her to do it. She never made any explanation. Working on their next case, they slowly returned to their routine. They had traveled to Georgia to investigate some bizarre thefts--an easy case in terms of the scare-factor that they were accustomed to dealing with but difficult in terms of actually making any progress. Mulder knocked on Scully's hotel door. He wanted to go over the evidence with her one more time. They had to be missing something. She opened the door and let him in. She sat on the bed and he came in already talking about some pictures from the crime scene. He sat down on the bed next to her. Still talking about the pictures and flipping through them, he spoke for several minutes before he really focused on his partner. When he realized that Scully had not interrupted him to comment as she frequently did, he looked over at her. She was stalk still, extremely tense, pale white. He turned to face her fully and put his hands on her shoulders. "Scully, what's wrong?" he said gently, concern evident in his voice. At his touch she began to tremble and restrained herself from moving from his grasp with an obvious effort. "What's wrong?" he repeated. When he realized with some shock that it was his proximity that she was reacting to, he moved away from her a little. A tear slid down her cheek and she turned her head to try to hide it from him. "Scully, you have got to tell me what happened. It was obvious that report was a complete fabrication. You've lied for me before. I appreciate you doing it again. But this time I don't even know what I did. I need to know Scully. We can't work together like this. It's dangerous. You know that. I obviously hurt you somehow," the pain was clear in his voice. "Maybe if you talk about it, it will help." Scully bit her lip and shook her head. Her eyes were closed and she was struggling not to cry. "Did I shoot at you?" Scully broke. "Mulder, you almost killed me. You fired 7 shots at point blank range. I don't know how you missed. I don't even know if you were trying to shoot me...if you even really saw me." Mulder went to put his arms around her but she pulled back. He saw raw fear in her eyes. "Scully, something else happened. I've shot at you before. You shot me. This is much more serious. I have never seen you this out of control" He reached to her again and she flinched back. "Scully, you are terrified of me. What did I do?" Mulder demanded, panic rising. Mulder watched Scully draw the mask across her face with incredible effort. She turned back to him with a completely neutral expression. "I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm fine. Let's get back to work" She continued when she saw the look on his face, "Really, it was just a very close call this time. I know it was just the drug and its over now. It's just a little difficult." She realized she was rambling. "I'm fine. What were you saying about the pictures?" She turned and picked them up. Long experience told Mulder he would get no further. Not now. **** Mulder awoke in his room with a start. He had heard something that made him sit bolt upright. He and Scully had gone over the evidence until early in the morning without further incident. She was the model of professionalism. That made him even more suspicious that there was something seriously wrong. Something she wasn't telling him. He heard the sound again. It was a muffled scream. Scully! He was through the connecting door of their hotel rooms in an instant, gun drawn. He looked around her room and saw her on the bed. Asleep. A nightmare. He put his gun on the table and went over to wake her. From the looks of things, this dream rivaled some of his own, Mulder thought. Scully was struggling against an unknown assailant violently. He brushed her cheek with his hand and took her face in his hands holding her struggling form and calling her name to wake her up. She opened her eyes groggily and looked up at him. He saw recognition there. Panic immediately registered on her face and the next thing he knew he was on the floor, holding his jaw, blood gushing from his mouth. Scully leapt from the bed and was pressed against the wall. "Its me Scully. You're having a nightmare. I was only trying to wake you up. God, I think you broke my jaw," he said working it open and shut painfully. He looked up and Scully was staring at him, terror still in her eyes. "Its me Scully," he repeated somewhat angrily. "For God's sake, do you want to get me a towel before I bleed to death?" When she didn't move, he got up unsteadily himself and went to the bathroom. Scully heard the water run and Mulder spit into the sink. She began to regain control. My God, she thought as she realized what she had done and rushed into the bathroom. Mulder's jaw was already bruising, blood was still rushing from his mouth. Scully closed the seat of the toilet and sat him down. She opened his mouth and saw she had loosened a tooth with her blow. Against Mulder's protests, she packed Kleenex around it along his jawline inside his mouth. She took a towel and going into the bedroom, filled it with ice. She came back and looked more closely at Mulder's jaw to make sure it wasn't broken before pressing the ice filled towel hard against his face. Mulder cried out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it hurts but you'll need the pressure to stop the bleeding. Try to bite down straight on the Kleenex. That will help too." She held the towel in one hand. Her other hand was on the uninjured side of his face. She stroked his cheek and looked at him tearfully. "I'm so sorry, Mulder." She stood up and pulled his face against her midsection and held him in her embrace. When the bleeding appeared to stop, she removed the Kleenex and looked at his mouth again. "I'm no dentist Mulder, but I think you're ok. It's just a little loose." "A tooth or my jaw bone," he grunted with a smirk. Tears filled her eyes. "I'm so sorry Mulder," she repeated for the hundredth time. "It's alright. I should have known better than to approach you like that. It looked like a bad nightmare, you want to talk about it?" "No, lets get some more ice so this doesn't swell too badly," she said, avoiding the question. **** The next day she came into his room as he was trying to shave to check on him. His jaw was badly swollen, shaving did not feel good. "Next time, I'll throw a pillow at you or something," he quipped as Scully looked at his jaw and mouth. "Do you want something else for the pain?" "Yeah." She wrote a prescription and went across the street to the local drugstore to fill it while he finished getting ready. By the end of the day, the only thing that had gone their way was that his jaw was feeling better. None of their leads had turned up any useful information. Concerned about infection since oral injuries are so easily infected, Scully tried to convince Mulder to go to a hospital. When he typically refused, she wrote another prescription for an antibiotic and filled it. "You're lucky I'm a doctor," she said returning with the pills. "I'm lucky you've got a small little fist to match your itty-bitty feet," he said teasingly. "I imagine you would have knocked my head completely off if you were bigger. You're damn strong Scully." She gave him a pill with a glass of water and sat across the room from him looking at him sadly. Mulder was aware of her choice of places to sit. Ordinarily, he would have expected her to sit next to him. He remembered the fear in her eyes the night before. "You want to talk about it now, or do I have to get really injured first?" She stiffened. "There is nothing to talk about." "Scully, you didn't hit someone you were dreaming about last night. You recognized me and you hit me. I think I have the right to know why." "I don't know what you are talking about Mulder. I was having a nightmare, I thought you were the person attacking me in my dream. I am very sorry I hit you. There's nothing else I can say." She sounded tired. "Scully, since I got out of the hospital, you have been avoiding me-- avoiding talking to me, avoiding being near me, avoiding working with me. If I get near you, you flip out. You tell me nothing is wrong but we are not working together here Scully." She was silent. Desperate, Mulder added, " I never thought I would say this to you Scully, but I can't trust you if you are going to keep acting this way." Scully's eyes turned dark and Mulder actually stood up and backed away as she approached him--a small red fury. "You can't trust me?" she hissed at him, inches from his face, shaking with anger. "I didn't subject myself to some experimental treatment. I didn't go back for a second treatment knowing the damage the first had done. I didn't run off and lock myself up with a gun. I didn't try to shoot my partner. I didn't try to r...." Her voice broke and with it her anger. Tears fell down her face. "For what Mulder? What did you gain? And at what price?" "You won't tell me the price, Scully." She left the room. That night he heard her scream again. He went into her room, but approached her more cautiously. Standing away from her bed, he called her name. "Mulder, no....please," he heard her say in her dream. He moved closer, listening. "Mulder, please stop. Please don't do this," she repeated. Tears stained her face and she was struggling against the blankets the entangled her. Suddenly she awoke from her dream and sat up. She put her face in her hands and he heard her whisper, "God, I've got to stop dreaming about this." "Dreaming about what?" She jumped. "I heard you scream again. I guess you'll understand that I was a little more hesitant to try to wake you." "What did you hear?" "I heard you call my name. Are you dreaming about what happened? Scully why won't you tell me what I did? It's obviously hurting you." He paused. "Scully, I would die before I would hurt you, you know that. This is killing me. Please tell me what happened." "I can't," she whispered. "Why not" "I can't, I'm not ready, Mulder, please don't push me. I need to trust that you will let me work through this in my own time." "I would never push you Scully, but I can't stand seeing you in this much pain because of something I did, and you won't even let me help you. Please Scully, let me help you." He slowly went over and sat on the bed. When she didn't move away, he pushed her hair off her face with his hands, softly brushing her face with his fingers. He turned her face to his and holding it in his hands as gently as he could, he said, "I would never hurt you Scully. It's obvious that I did because of that drug. I will do anything to make it better. To regain your trust." She put her arms around his neck and pulled him close, burying her face against his neck and chest. He held her until she fell asleep. **** As the weeks passed, they continued to work together. Mulder stopped asking Scully what happened. For her part, Scully gave no more overt signs that anything was wrong. Mulder could tell she was working very hard to maintain a tight control over her emotions. If she had any more dreams, he didn't hear her. Mulder, however, had begun to have dreams about what happened. He dreamt repeatedly of pointing his gun at Scully and telling her to get away. He went back to the house to see the room in order to determine if it was arranged exactly as he saw in his dream or if the dream was just his imagination animating what Scully had described to him. Then, the dreams began to move on to what happened after the shooting--what Scully refused to detail. They were vague and the images so alarming that they always awoke him. He saw himself struggling with Scully, apparently in some sort of a fistfight. She was under him. He was straddling her and she looked terrified and was asking him to stop. Stop what?! Why would he be fighting with Scully? Why wouldn't she tell him what that fight had been about? Try as he might, he could not remember past that image. He dared not ask her, their partnership was just beginning to return to normal. He decided to go to a hypnotist. Scully was sitting in her apartment typing case notes when the door burst open. She reached for her gun but pulled up short when she saw Mulder. "Jesus, Mulder. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" She smiled at him anticipating a tirade on some alien autopsy video or something equally strange. Her amusement turned to concern when she looked up at him, approaching her silently from the hall with an expression of pain so profound she was instantly on her feet to go to him. She reached to him as if to embrace him, a questioning look on her face, but he stopped her and pushed her away, back towards the couch. He pulled her down with him as he sat. "Scully," began without any preamble, "I'm going to ask you some questions and you are going to answer me. O.K? No, avoiding it. OK?" His face was a mixture of emotions--panic, anger, but pain was the most evident. She reached to touch his face but he brushed her hand away. "Will you answer my questions." "Of course," she replied, still with no idea what had upset him so. Had he discovered something about Samantha? "Scully," he paused. Now that he had her attention, he had no idea how to proceed. How could he ask her about this? How could he have done this? He still couldn't believe the memories were true. Looking at her, he remembered her torn clothes and the blanket. His state of undress. It had to be true. It explained her behavior, what she had said in her dream. "Scully," he started again, staring at her intently. "What is it Mulder?" Her voice was gentle, willing him to ask his question. Trusting him. Trusting him again. How could she...ever? He calmed himself. He had to know if this were true, but he would not make it worse by breaking down and making her feel obligated to comfort him. Her comfort him? How could she even look at him? "Scully," he began a third time, "I think I remembered something and as much as I would like to forget it and pretend I didn't, I have to know if it really happened." He stopped. Her eyes clouded over. Now she knew where he was heading. There was no avoiding it. The only thing worse than having it happen was having him remember it had. She could live with it, work with him, as long as he didn't remember. She prayed he wouldn't. He had. He felt her begin to tremble. "Scully, did I..." he paused, struggling to make himself even say it. "Did I force myself...." Scully didn't hear him finish. Her mind was back in time two months. She had finished answering the officers' questions about Mulder's actions and convinced them to release him to her custody. She was in full "protect Mulder" mode. She had covered for his crazy stunts a thousand times before and was well practiced--she had it down to a science. She got him in the car and drove him back to the hotel. He was still out of it, groggy from the affects of the drug. She sat him on the bed and began to examine his hands, face, and neck where flying glass from the mirror had cut him. She thought the worst was over. She had seriously underestimated the strength of the drug and the quantity Mulder had been subjected to. As she cleaned his face and hands with the gauze she bought on the way to the hotel, he tried to hold her hands. She brushed his hands aside and sat on the bed to get a closer look at his face. He put his arms around her, pulling her close. He was obviously still drugged and she was concerned about him. When she entered the house, Mulder had been pointing the gun at his head. That was an image that would haunt her forever. She held him awhile intending to comfort him and then pushed away, muttering that she needed to finish cleaning him up. He put his hands to her face, as she cleaned his. He stroked her cheeks. Definitely still drugged, she thought as she finished up cleaning the dried blood on his face. She moved to get up for some band-aids, but he caught her hand and pulled her back. She looked at him to see what he wanted. She felt his hand on her face. His other hand slid through her hair and around the back of her neck. In one smooth motion, he pulled her to him and kissed her full on the lips. Surprised, at first Scully didn't resist. She loved Mulder. She had quit trying to deny that to herself a long time ago. She felt her body react to the kiss but her rational mind took over quickly--Mulder was drugged, he had no idea what he was doing, and she needed to clean him up and get him back to Washington. She tried to pull away. His grip on her neck tightened as his other hand slid from her face to the buttons on her blouse. The rest was a blur. She had tried to push him away gently and then more forcibly but he pushed her down on the bed and laid on top of her with his full weight, still kissing her neck and unbuttoning her blouse and his own clothes. She remembered struggling with him, striking at him reflexively, but the more vigorously she fought, the more aggressive he became. He was much stronger and heavier than she was, and because of the drug, he was completely uninhibited about hurting her. He pinned her arms underneath her and tore open her blouse. She began to panic. "Mulder, what in God's name are you doing?" No reply. She felt him unfasten the front clasp on her bra--felt his hands softly caress her bare breasts. She shivered. "Mulder please stop. Let me up." She felt his hand run up her thigh under her skirt and tear at her panty hose. She tried to buck him off and felt his forearm press hard against her throat immobilizing her. She felt his mouth on her breast and his bare chest press against her stomach. He forced his knee between her legs. Tears came to her eyes. "Mulder, please. Don't do this." He pulled her underwear aside and touched her. She closed her eyes-- trying to block out what Mulder was doing, that it was Mulder doing it. She had imagined making love to her partner. She had never imagined this. He entered her--first with one finger and then two. She cried out involuntarily. This couldn't be happening. "God Mulder, please stop. Please Mulder. Don't do this. Not this way. Please." As he continued to move in and out of her with his fingers, she continued to beg him, panic mounting. When she felt him pushing against her about to enter her, her voice broke and she began to sob uncontrollably. Something momentarily got through to Mulder and he pushed himself up onto one elbow lifting his full weight off Scully to look at her, confused. She scrambled to seize her opportunity. Snatching her handcuffs off the table in one hand she tackled Mulder on the bed with her full force. Dragging his arm back in a practiced motion she clipped one cuff on him and the other on the bedrail. She leapt back off him, off the bed, avoiding his other hand as he grabbed at her again. He tore her shirt but she pulled free. She staggered back from the bed, crying . He passed out, under the influence of the drug. "Scully, please answer me! Scully!" She was jerked back to the present by Mulder shaking her lightly. She looked at him, at the expression on his face. It was tortured, as hers must be. "Scully, I have to know what I did." His voice was barely a whisper, staring at her intensely with a wild look in his eyes. His fingers were digging into her shoulders where he was holding her, sitting next to her on the couch. She couldn't talk about this. She could not put in words the worst details. "Nothing Mulder. You did nothing. You tore my blouse, you kissed me," she hesitated. "You tore my panty hose." Mulder closed his eyes and she knew she couldn't continue. "But you stopped. Nothing happened." She prayed he wouldn't push her further. "I didn't stop, you got away. If you hadn't cuffed me, I would have raped you." His eyes were shut tightly against the vision in his mind he couldn't escape. Scully sobbed outloud at the use of that word, at the image. She had managed to not allow her thoughts to go that far. She covered her mouth with her hand. "Mulder, I don't believe that. I can't believe that. You were drugged, it's not your fault." She looked up at him. His eyes were still closed and she could tell he was battling not to loose control entirely. "Scully, drug or no drug, I forced you...You have to live with that memory...its not a drug you see when you remember, its my face. And every time for the rest of my life that I close my eyes, I will see the look on your face when I...." She put her hand over his mouth. She couldn't hear it. They sat silently for several moments and then...she had to know, "Mulder," she whispered, "I know I already know the answer to this...but I need to hear you say it....Do you remember what you were aware of? Did you know it was me?" "I remember that I knew it was you," he responded evenly. This was not the answer she expected. "Were you aware," she hesitated, looking for a gentle way to phrase it, "how I was reacting?" He covered his face with his hands, grinding the heel of his hands into his eyes. He drew a deep breath and turned to look into her eyes. Taking her hand in both his he said, "I swear I was not." He held her hand tighter, taking strength and courage from the contact. "Scully, I admit that I do want you and that I have for a long time, but I swear, not that way. I would never do that to you. I love you. I have loved you since our first case. I have never trusted anyone as I do you and I would die before I would do anything violate your trust in me. Finding Samantha, finding the truth, does not even approach being worth hurting you. You are my truth Scully...my whole world. I would do anything to take this back, to make it never happen. There is nothing I can say. I won't insult you further by saying I'm sorry--sorry is pathetic compared to what I did...." He faltered, at a loss for how to go on. To go on speaking, to go on being with Scully, to go on being her partner, to go on living after what he had done to the person who meant more to him than his own life. He felt Scully's arms go around his shoulders, he felt her head on his chest. He pushed her away. "How can you stand to look at me, much less offer me comfort after I hurt you that way." "Maybe I'm the one that needs comforting," she said softly without looking at him. "How can you seek comfort from the person that hurt you." "You didn't hurt me Mulder. The drug did. You are responsible for taking it, but you didn't take it planning to hurt me. I always knew that intellectually. It took me a while to accept it emotionally. I have now. You will too." She took his face in her hands and made him look at her. "Did you say you loved me?" she whispered, her face inches from his. "Scully, I love you more than I could describe to you no matter how I tried or what I did. Without you, I am nothing." She put her arms around him again, moving closer to him until she was pressed against his chest, her face buried against his neck. She whispered against his neck, "I love you too. I love you. We will work through this. Together." He looked down at her. Her eyes were closed, the lashes wet with tears. He softly brushed his hand over her hair, watching her reaction carefully. Rather than tensing, as he feared, she embraced him more tightly. He felt her breath on his neck. He kissed the top of her head. She lifted her head off his chest to look into his eyes--their faces inches apart. He kissed her forehead and pulled her back into his arms. "How can you trust me after everything I have put you through?" "Because I know you Mulder. And because I love you." **** Scully kept a very close watch over Mulder for the next several weeks. She was aware of him keeping a very close watch over her. They were cautious with each other. Mulder was careful with his more off color jokes. He didn't touch her as often. He was the psychologist, but Scully knew perfectly well the psychological damage this had done. For all his bravado and innuendo, Mulder had always been respectful of all women and of her in particular. To be led by a drug into such completely foreign behavior was devastating. And she had seen Mulder put a gun to his head one too many times recently to not be terrified of the possible outcomes of that type of damage. For this reason, she tried to keep him company as much as possible--spending evenings typing reports or reviewing evidence, inviting him for dinner, watching bad movies in his apartment. She had finished typing the report on their last case when she noticed the credits were rolling on Mulder's movie. He had brought it over to her apartment to "help him concentrate on the reports." Mulder never concentrated on the reports. She glanced over at him on the couch. He was asleep and there was a pile of seed shells on her carpet. She smiled, typical Mulder. She took the remote and flipped on the 11:00 o'clock news. Soon she was asleep too in the chair--the laptop still in her lap. She awoke to Mulder shaking her gently. She was stiff. When he saw her beginning to awaken, he stepped back from her. "You are going to be really sore in the morning if you sleep in that chair all night," he said softly. "Not any worse than you from that couch," she replied still groggy. "I always sleep on a couch, remember?" he said offering her his hand to help her up. "And yours is much bigger and more comfortable than mine." She took his hand and he pulled her up. She glanced at her watch. "Good thing we don't work tomorrow. Its late, you can stay here if you don't want to drive home. I'll get you a pillow and blanket." He smiled. She fussed over him far more than he fussed over himself. He didn't even own a pillow. She came back and put the pillow on the couch and handed him the blanket. Saying goodnight, she went back into her bedroom. Mulder had crashed on her couch a hundred times before. He knew where everything was and he had several extra suits and casual clothes at her apartment. He lay down on the couch. The pillow and blanket were off Scully's bed--he could smell the scent of her perfume. For a moment, he watched shadows play across the wall in her bedroom as she got ready for bed. He closed his eyes and squelched his thoughts for the thousandth time in the last weeks. He picked up the remote and turned the TV on to distract himself. After a few minutes, Scully came back into the living room in her robe. "Is it too loud?" he asked reaching to turn it down more. "No, I just wanted to make sure you're ok. You were exhausted earlier...fell asleep at the beginning of your movie. You didn't miss much," she teased. "I think I'm going to make some tea. For some reason I'm pretty awake now--I need something to make me relax. You want anything." He shook his head and continued watching the B movie he had found on the science fiction channel. She went into the kitchen and he heard her rummaging around for cups, sugar.... He was fighting to not think about how beautiful she looked and how that satin robe clung to her body. She came back into the living room with one hot tea and one iced tea. "Just in case," she said as she sat down in the chair, putting the tea on the table. Mulder glanced at Scully and then focused on the TV. Sitting in the chair with her legs crossed, her robe had opened revealing her legs to her thighs. She watched the movie with a characteristic amused smirk while sipping her tea. "Mulder, how can you stand these movies?" she asked after a few minutes. When he didn't respond, she looked over to see if he was asleep and saw him concentrating intently on the television. She stood and walked in front of the TV blocking his view, eyebrow raised. He looked up at her hesitantly. His expression was not lost on Scully. She sat down on the coffee table in front of him, he sat up and moved down the couch slightly. "What's wrong Mulder?" she reached to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes and Scully understood. "Mulder," she whispered, "what are you feeling? Tell me." "Scully," he hesitated, "...I'm having trouble..." She saw him glance at her robe which had opened and revealed her modest satin nightgown. "I think it would be best if I drove home." He stood and looked around for his shoes. She pulled him back down to the couch. "Mulder, we've already acknowledged we are attracted to each other. We are both well over the age of consent. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel." "I don't want to pressure you...to do anything to make you feel...." "You haven't." "It's too soon Scully." He was obviously upset. His eyes were tightly shut. She knew what he was seeing. She moved to the couch and put her arms around him. He did not move to respond. "Please hold me Mulder." He looked at her and slowly put his arms around her shoulders. She caressed his cheek. She felt his lips brush her forehead lightly before he pulled her against him. She had turned her face and her cheek was against the thin cloth of his T-shirt. A few moments later she felt his lips brush her hair. She pulled away to look at him. She still saw the pain in his eyes. "Mulder," she whispered. He cupped her face in his hands then ran his hands through her hair. He leaned forward slowly and lightly kissed her cheek. She leaned into the caress, closing her eyes. "Kiss me, Mulder," she whispered breathlessly. He pulled back, "Scully...." his voice was cautioning. She looked at him a moment and then leaned forward and touched her lips to his. He tried to pull away but she held him close to her. "Mulder, I have had longer to deal with this than you, so I will understand if you aren't ready. We'll stop. But...," she hesitated, laughing slightly at herself and turning her head away from him. She was definitely not a naturally forward person and this was completely uncharted territory. "Mulder, I want you," she whispered, almost inaudibly lowering her eyes. "I want you to make love to me." "Scully..." he touched her cheek and just this simple contact made her react more intensely than she thought possible. He kissed her cheek again. Then the corner of her mouth. She turned to face him fully. He slowly leaned in and kissed her lips, softly. She parted her lips and Mulder gently, slowly deepened the kiss. They kissed and time stood still. He kissed her neck, along her jawline, running his hands through her hair. She was breathing heavily. He could feel her pulse racing as he kissed her. She threw her head back as he ran kisses down her throat to her collarbone. She leaned back on the couch, he followed her. Cautiously, he pushed her robe off her shoulders, running his hands down her arms as the robe fell. Lightly at first, and then more firmly he caressed the satin of her nightgown against her back, her waist, still kissing her neck. He moved his kisses lower as his hands caressed the front of the satin nightgown. And stopped. He pulled away. "Are you sure about this Scully?" "Yes," she said breathlessly. "Not here, not on the couch." Carefully, slowly, he picked her up off the couch and carried her back to her bedroom. He put her down gently on the bed and stood over her. She reached up and taking his hands pulled him down on the bed. He cupped her breasts in his hands and brushed his thumbs over her nipples through the satin. He heard her sharp intake of breath and froze. "Mulder, if I need for you to stop, I will say something. For now, if you don't...." She slid her hands down his waist, his hips.... If she kept that up, he would loose control much sooner than he wanted to. He reached for her hands and pulled them away. She looked at him. "Scully, I want to take this nice and slow." She nodded and reached up to pull him down to her. She pulled his T-shirt over his head. He began to unbutton her satin night-shirt, exposing her bare breasts. She felt his tongue on her nipple. She arched her back and he pushed her night-shirt off her shoulders leaving her clad only in her silk panties. He looked at her body as he caressed her breasts, cupping them in his hands. Her porcelain skin was beautiful. Flawless. He was amazed at how arousing just the sight of her body was. Kissing her neck and breasts, enjoying the feel of her hands caressing his chest and her kisses on his neck, he let his hand run down her stomach to the edge of her panties. He fingered the lace before sliding his hand over it to her thigh. Lightly, he traced his fingers over her inner thigh. She parted her legs and through the silk of her panties felt him caressing her slowly, expertly. "God, Mulder...." She slid her hands down his body again and removed his boxers. He kicked them off and reacted sharply to her touch. He captured her hands again. "Scully," he whispered in her ear, "It is all I can do to control...I want you so much...." "I want you too...please Mulder." He moved his hand over her thighs and between her legs again. As he caressed her, he heard her soft moans. "Please Mulder...I want you now." His finger slipped inside her, his thumb still caressing her. She could not hold back, and he felt her muscles contract. She had thrown back her head against the pillow writhing, her lips parted, moaning outloud. He ran his tongue on the soft flesh around her nipple and felt her hands in his hair. She pulled his mouth to hers as her body relaxed. The kiss was so passionate he nearly lost control. She pushed him over on his back, still kissing him. She caressed his chest and moved her hands down his stomach. He inhaled sharply when she touched him, grasping his length and stroking him. Mulder closed his eyes fighting to maintain control. She was amazing. "Scully...Jesus...." She straddled him. With his hands on her hips, he guided her onto him. He watched her as he entered her but soon was completely lost. He caressed her breasts and the soft skin on her waist as she moved up and down on him. He could tell she was close again. He put his hands on her hips to quicken her pace and his thumbs brushed over her clit. She convulsed again and Mulder with her. She collapsed against him, her breath ragged. He kissed her softly, his eyes still shut, as he regained control. "God, I love you Scully." "And I love you," she said between kisses. She remained on top of him in his arms for along time. When she looked up at him he was looking at her intently. "What is it?" she whispered. "This is what I want to see when I close my eyes Scully." At her inquiring look, he continued, "You are so beautiful. You look...peaceful. Not terrified." He closed his eyes. She touched his cheek. "Mulder, I love you.