TITLE:  Dragonfire
AUTHOR:  A.K. Bowerman at juno_regina@hotmail.com
DATE: 15 June 1998
RATING:  PG-13
CATEGORY:  V
KEYWORDS:  Character dies, Scully angst
SUMMARY:  Scully must deal with Mulder's accidental death
DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and all related paraphernalia belong to Chris 
Carter/1013 Productions/FOX.  I do not own Mulder or 	Scully, nor do I claim to.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  started 13 April 1998, finished 15 June 1998; thanks to my beta 
reader Sharyn

Dedicated in loving memory of Shari Lynn Spatar.


Dragonfire

With shaky hands, I find the key on the keyring and slide it into the lock.  
Somehow I manage to turn it and get inside, and even lock the deadbolt before my 
purse falls to the floor.  The keys slip out of my fingers and clatter beside 
it.  I lean against the inside of the door, for I cannot hold myself up any 
longer.  I slide to the floor, my legs straight ahead of me and my hands splayed 
at my side to catch my weight. The light from the street slants through my 
blinds onto the back of the sofa in front of me.  I stare ahead, eyes open but 
unseeing.  I notice the steady, deep breaths I am taking.

In.  He's dead.

Out.  He's dead.

In.  Out.  In.  He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.

Suddenly it all sinks in.  My legs draw up and arms come to hold them at my 
ankles.  I rest my forehead on my knees and think of each precious breath that I 
take.

This should be Mulder's breath.  I would give it up for him, he could have it, I 
would give it to him, I would.  If only I could.  I tried.  I tried forcing it 
into his very lungs.  But he was too fucking stubborn to take it!

Damn him.  Damn him to hell.  No, no, not to hell.  He doesn't deserve that, no 
I take it back God please don't do that Mulder doesn't deserve that he doesn't 
deserve to go to hell he didn't deserve to die he has his quest and he hasn't 
found Samantha yet and we're not done with the X-Files and it's not right he 
shouldn't be dead no no no --

I'm losing it.  I didn't go crazy like this with Ahab.  Why Mulder? 

Perhaps because we knew that the bond of trust was there, come hell or high 
water.  I loved Ahab, but he was my *father*.  It was a bond formed by family.  
I had to work to earn Mulder's trust.  The bond that links us was not given to 
us but instead forged by the hot fires of time and experience.

Why am I going crazy with Mulder?  Prospero in his wisdom did not just give 
Miranda to Ferdinand in "The Tempest."  Ferdinand loved Miranda that much more 
because he had to work for Miranda's hand in marriage.  Mulder and I have worked 
for our mutual trust and love and it is that much more special to us.  It also 
makes it that much more important to us both.

I lift my head and take a few deep breaths to clear my mind.

He's dead.

"I tried, Mulder."  I swear to you, I tried.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't save 
you.

And you went so fast.

I hardly had the time to say goodbye.

The way you looked at me, with pain and fear and something else in your eyes.  
It was something I've seen before but never figured out what it was.

Now, I know.  "I love you too, Mulder."

I loved you from our first case together, although I didn't know it then.  You 
loved me enough to tell me your deepest secret, the events of your childhood 
that have made you the man you are today.  
Ahab used to read me fairy tales.  I always loved the dragons.  They were so 
majestic yet so lonely - they never let anyone close enough to see their true 
beauty.

They're like you, Mulder.  You are my dragon.  You breathed your fire at me to 
keep me at arm's length but underneath it all you were lonely.  I donned my 
armour and proved my worth.  You trusted me enough to let me through the fire 
and I could see more of your true beauty as our trust grew.

"I still love you. I promise I will never stop loving you, Mulder.  You are my 
dragon."

I think it is a fitting epitaph for you.  I suppose it will be I who will choose 
it, for your mother doesn't seem to care.

"My dragon."

I lay my head back on my knees, and this time, the tears finally come.

--
Feedback can be send to A.K. Bowerman at juno_regina@hotmail.com

"We are where we are meant to be at any given time." - Gillian Anderson--