Title: If I Lost You Again
Author: little Starbuck*
Rating: PG
Category: Scully-Angst
Feedback: Yes Please! Send to starbuck42ajw@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Not mine! CC's, Fox's and 1013's, blah, blah!
Spoilers: 8 year review.
Distribution: I would be happy to share, please keep my name on it
Completed: July 18, 2001


~*Pleeze Enjoy*~


-If I Lost You Again-
 by little Starbuck*


I never tried to make sense of it at the beginning. I'd seen other 
agents lose their partners, their friends, before. A while back, I might 
have shed a tear and carried on. But not now, not after all we've been 
through. Not after I've come to know and appreciate this magnificence 
that is you.

When I was taken away, that was the first time I lost you. They had not 
only taken me against my will, they had taken you away from me. That was 
really the first time I looked back and wondered what I could have done 
to avoid this circumstance that I was now so precariously caught in. At 
times I was floating away, ready to let go completely when I caught a 
glimpse of you, holding me back. I feared I would lose sight of you, 
altogether. There were moments, when I was gone... to that peaceful 
place, so close to death's inviting door... when I could hear you 
speaking to me. I was in my own world though, where your words made no 
sense. I lost you then. But you shared with me the strength of your 
beliefs, and showed me my own. And fortunately I got you back.

The second time was far worse. I believed you were dead, that you would 
never come back. I did not allow myself to cry for you then, only 
because I knew you wanted me to be strong. Not because I didn't miss 
you... or love you. But then, you came through the door to your 
apartment, alive and well. You said that you were a 'dead man' but that 
now you were back. You showed me that you were invincible, that I could 
trust you to return to me, no matter what. So, that was my new belief. 
Nothing could tear us apart.

The third time I nearly lost you, I had forced myself to prepare for it. 
I remember being confined to that bed with death invading my body, 
slowly and painfully. Laying there with the inevitable staring me in the 
face, you told me that you knew that if you were doing anything wrong I 
would stop you, convince you otherwise. The only problem with what you 
said was that I would not be able to stop you. I was leaving you alone, 
and in that, losing you yet again. Believe me, Mulder, I did not want 
to... but I had tried with all my power and had not succeeded. Luckily, 
you managed to find your own way back that time. You also helped me to 
find mine. I prayed never to lose you again.

The next time I lost you was too close for comfort. I could barely find 
myself through all of it. But you came through for me, finding me cold and 
alone in Antarctica. You told me then that I was right to want to leave you, 
to lose you for good. And I told you that I couldn't do that. Not for the 
world. You see, Mulder, you said that I had saved you... but the truth was, 
you had ultimately rescued me from making the one decision that would have 
ruined everything. I thought that would be the last time, the final time I 
would have to survive with being without you.

The fifth time was the worst. They had taken you away, where I could not 
find you... to steal the immunity you had. Those bastards! They robbed 
you, and searched mercilessly through your beautiful mind until they 
found what they wanted. Then they left you to die. And I swore, you were 
dead. I couldn't feel your presence. You did not appear to me in my 
dreams. You were gone from me. But somehow, I found you, even if it was 
with the help of people I did not know or trust. Those people gave their 
lives for you. And I respected them for that. You did not tell me your 
secret then. You left me to find that for myself. When I finally did, I 
had already lost you again.

This last time, I thought I'd lost you for good. I lost my hope and 
myself in my search to find you. It was such a long time... and at 
times, I felt you so close. But, at times I couldn't feel you at all. 
That's when I was frightened the most. God, I missed you. Then, out of 
no where, you came back to me... one last time. When I had truly given 
up, that's when you decided to amaze me. When I walked into your 
hospital room and saw this dead, yet somehow alive, body laying in front 
of me... I promised myself, if I lost you again, that would be the end 
of it. I would have no more. I could never live without you.

Now, you are truly gone. This I know for certain. I cannot leave our son 
behind and join you in whatever awaits us after this life... so I must 
search for you once more, this time knowing I will never find you. Not 
waking up from a coma, not bursting in through your door, not after 
fighting off cancer, not after you rescue me from some fatal alien 
virus, not after searching for answers in Africa or after you've died 
and found your resting place, deep in the earth. I will never have the 
pleasure of simply looking at you, at your face, your expression, again. 
If I never told you I loved you, I'm sorry. I knew that you loved me. 
And, I hope you knew that I harbored those same feelings.

We will never spend an evening talking about choosing the right paths, 
never play baseball at midnight. We wont ever kiss on New Year's Eve, 
share the excitement of a first dance together at a Cher concert, or go 
under cover as a couple to some perfect California town. Never again... 
There were so many things we never had a chance to discuss. So many 
questions that will never be asked, nor answered. So, I'll ask you 
now... though I know you are somewhere far away and cannot hear.

My love, will you wait for me? I vow that I will join you as soon as I 
am able.

There is one truth I can be sure of, now that you are dead. One thing 
that will forever haunt me, yet somehow promises to provide a certain 
melancholic and forlorn comfort...

I never shall lose you again.


~*THE END*~

Author's Notes: This was mostly a spur of the moment kind of thing. 
Hopefully, you enjoyed it. Feedback is loved and treasured and always 
answered. Recommendations make me one happy writer! Thanks for reading!

~All other work can be found at Ephemeral and Gossamer~