Subject: I Have Experienced You, I Can Never Lose You

 Hey guys...
This came into mind because of a swedish poem my mom wrote in a certain
photo album due to a certain very sad reason, but that's another
story... in swedish it was "Jag har varit med om dig, jag kan aldrig
frlora dig" and in english this translates (not precisely, but almost)
to "I have experienced you, I can never lose you". I found this
inspiring somehow, and decided to write a fanfic about it.
Mulder/Scully romance, angst, character death. In short, all you need
to feel... sad (or so I hope, because that means the story fulfiled
what I hoped for it, but wasn't too sure about... I don't know about my
writing abilities). Here we go:
**I HAVE EXPERIENCED YOU, I CAN NEVER LOSE YOU**
by Agent Elisa
(agent_elisa@hotmail.com)

Hello, Mulder. No, I'm not calling you Fox today either, just like I
avoided that first name of yours yesterday, two weeks and even a month
ago. Why? Well, it's all about respect.
They say you shall respect the ones you love.
I love you, Mulder. And I like your first name. But the amount of
intimacy between us never developed into something so graphic that I
had the opportunity to utter your name, let it roll over my lips like a
storm wind causing the waves to put up a fight with the shores, like
the wildest of all wild emotional oceans we crossed in the same, shaky
boat... the boat that broke and threw us into the ice cold, deep blue
water underneath the sky where the thin, white moon shone amongst the
stars... our ocean, the ocean that took away the most precious gift I
had ever recieved into my life by the hand of God: you.
I think I'm getting a bit out of hand, Mulder. Sorry.
I brought roses for you. Real nice, gothic roses, dark red with a
velvet touch to them. They seemed so perfect when I bought them, just
as perfect as your lips... yeah, I know it's weird, crazy really, that
I can associate your lips with roses. But that's just me.
At least I was able to taste your lips before our boat crashed and you
went away, Mulder... your lips, but nothing else. Well, maybe your
arms, forehead, and inner darkness, too. I know I was a part of your
demons, I was with them sometimes. Sometimes to fight, sometimes to
howl. Mostly to fight for the sake of your freedom and peace of mind
and joy and happiness, I hope. Or? Was I really your dragon-slayer?
Your defender? Your loyal friend? Or was I the devil in disguise, a
traitor in the shape of a caring partner? I wished you were here to
tell me, Mulder. To take my hands, look me in the eye, judge for a
while and then tell me straight. Spit the truth in my face. Or caress
it, whisper it like the sunny breeze that sweeps over the moors...
I have been blaming myself for so long, Mulder. I have been shaking
with unshed tears, and sometimes I've cried, too. But I found no sense
in crying when the persons I saw there to wipe away my lonely tears was
only my family. My family is not enough to make me open up, to convert
me into the lovely peace of mind I always wished for you.
Do you want to know what's enough?
You, Mulder. You, your eyes and arms and hands and fingers and lips and
mind and words... you. Only you. Always you.
Remember those roses I told you about earlier? They lay on top of your
resting place, your portal to the great beyond, now. They look so
peaceful and beautiful. Just like you! Well, at least for the looks-
part. I don't know about peace.
But maybe you've found it now? Wherever you are, is the peace with you,
like a loyal defender, a devoted puppy dog following you every step,
registrating your every unsure move and stopping you from being harmed
and blocking all possible options that could somehow end up in
suffering for you?
I hope so. I do hope so.
And I think it is that way, I know that God can chase away your ghosts,
even though you never put much faith in his secure hands.
I am looking at your tombstone inscription now, and I discover I can
still recall how I choose the words etched there on the shiny surface:
"Fox Mulder,
Loved Partner and Touchstone.
I have experienced you.
I can never lose you."

And that is so true, Mulder. I have experienced you. I can never lose
you. You are with me whenever I have to take a step bigger than I
thought I could manage, when times change and tides turns, when
problems howl at my feet and your demons haunts my sleep, when my heart
fels broken and tears are clouding up my eyes. You are with me, in my
heart, in my mind. I love you. And I will never let you leave, never
let you go. I will stay devoted, for I have so much to thank you for. I
am aware of your lack of visible presence, but Mulder, when they
destroyed our boat they never knew we'd stay connected forever, that
our bond is one that can not be broken by such a thing as death. You
are with me.
Those words are really true, Mulder.
I have experienced you.
I can never lose you.

end

Comments? Shall I do some changes? I'm in great need of your expertise,
readers and authors!

Agent Elisa
Federal Bureau of 'Shippers