TITLE: It's Life: Our Future Is Here
AUTHOR: Ladyhawk
EMAIL ADDRESS: funger1@hofstra.edu
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, just tell me
SPOILER WARNING: Up to One Son
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, R
RATING: NC-17
CONTENT WARNING: Alternate Universe
SUMMARY: Mulder's past threatens his future.
DISCLAIMER:  CC owns them all

REALITY DISCLAIMER: No, I don't know if disabled people can be hired by
the FBI as field agents. I've never tried to apply. I highly doubt it 
though, we would be too much of a liability to them. (And if you haven't 
picked up the implied statement: Yes, I am disabled too.)
LH


Author's notes: This is the story that this series was originally
started for. I hope it is worth the wait. Never doubt the powers of love
and ingenuity. I stopped doubting years ago. Feedback welcome at
funger1@hofstra.edu

It's Life: Our Future Is Here
by Ladyhawk (funger1@hofstra.edu)


God, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have trusted her
again, after the way our relationship ended the first time?

And how could I do this to Scully? God, I deserve to be shot. By Scully,
again.

They are taking the dead body of my ex-wife's partner out of my, OUR
office. Shot in the head, once. Point-blank range. It wasn't a suicide.
There was smoke in the air when we found the body. And it wasn't from
the gun firing.

Instinct tells me to look for Diana right after seeing Spender's body.

I have to go up the stairs. The homicide investigators are using the
elevator and have it blocked off. Scully walks to the staircsae with me,
but for once, doesn't ask me if I want help with the canes. She just
takes off in front of me to do her own investigating.

By the time I get to the first floor, Scully is nowhere to be found. I
walk into Skinner's office and bug Kim into letting me see him.

"What is it, Mulder?" His eyes are kind. He's the only one who
understood us and what we needed throughout this whole mess.

"Where is Diana?"

"She hasn't reported in, Mulder." He pauses with a question in his eyes.
"But didn't Scully say she was a part of the conspiracy? She's probably
either dead or in hiding."

"I was hoping. . .God, I am such a fool." I throw one of my canes in
anger. Luckily, it only hits one of the chairs in the office.

"Enough. We all make mistakes. God knows I've made some big ones with my
ex-wife." Skinner picks up the cane and hands it back to me, still as
calm as ever.

His mood rubs off on me a little, enough to take my focus off my ex-wife
and onto the real woman in my life. She tried to tell me. She fucking
did everything she could to try to get me to listen to her. Why didn't
I? Why?

I fall into the chair in front of Skinner's desk with a moan, lost in my
misery. I feel his hand on my shoulder, just telling me he's there if I
need him. That's more than I deserve right now.

----------------------------------------------------------

By the time I get home at nine p.m., I'm berating myself so badly that I
have trouble steering my wheelchair into the apartment. She was trying
to protect me. And I turned my back on her!

Maybe I should resign. I could give her all my notes on the X-files if
she wants to continue. She probably could get more done without me
anyway. I get the chair stuck on the coffee table. My growl of
frustration echoes through the room. I tiredly wonder if I should just
stay here the rest of the night.

An arm pushes the table out of the way. Not my arm. Scully's. I look up
into her face, startled. Her lips are set into a firm line, her thoughts
are masked from me. It's just as well. I don't think she likes me right
now.

"Diana's body wasn't found at the hanger, Mulder." Her usually sweet
voice is toneless. "She probably escaped somehow."

"Thanks, Scully." I don't really know how to do this, but I must. I
can't lose Scully. "I, umm. . .I'm sorry for, you know, doubting you."

She sits down on the couch and sighs. I turn my chair to face her. "We
need to talk about this, Mulder."

"Yeah, I know. It's just. . .hard for me. I don't know. . .I haven't
really dealt with Diana well since met her, I guess."

"That's been obvious." I accept her anger as my punishment for hurting
her. "Explain it to me. Why would you go with her when it was obvious
she was working against you?"

"Hell, I don't know. Habit? The fact that she used to wear my wedding
ring?" Scully is noticeably shocked by this.

I laugh bitterly. "Yeah, Scully. She actually duped me into marrying
her. And what a fiasco our marriage was." The memories swamp over me. I
explain them to Scully the best that I can.

--------------------------------------------------

Diana was assigned to work with me in 1990, right after I finished the
red tape needed to assign me to the X-files. She appeared similar to
Scully the first time I met her, fresh, young, full of fire.

Diama's fire was similar to my own, or so I thought. She dived into the
X-files wholeheartedly. We organized, classified. We started a few
cases. She never helped me finish one. I guess that should have made me
suspicious, but it didn't. I was too far gone when she was around to
notice.

Diana never looked upon me with the respect that Scully had for me since
day one. I know that now. But nine years ago, the fact that Diana didn't
try to help me get up from my wheelchair was a source of amazement. I
thought she was respectful of me and my abilities because she walked
beside me, instead of behind me to catch me if I fell. It was all an
act.

She was never comfortable with my differences. She just disguised the
discomfort when she could. She couldn't when I fell. She always grabbed
for me at the most inopportune times. I usually fell a second time
because of it.

But she said all the right things. That I was capable of anything, that
I was strong, handsome, all the things that puffed up my fragile
self-esteem. They were just words. But they were enough to get me to ask
her out. I didn't hear any hesitation in her voice when she accepted.
Now I wonder if that was her plan from the beginning.

We dated for four months. Movies, dinners, hand-holding, kissing. All
the things I missed growing up because girls thought I was unacceptable.
But no sex. At least Phoebe gave me hand jobs, even though we never
actually had intercourse. Diana thought it would be too awkward. I
didn't dare ask for more because I was afraid she'd leave me.

Even without the sex, after four months, I thought I knew Diana well
enough to ask her to marry me. She had been hinting at it for a couple
weeks. Maybe she thought she could control me better that way, I don't
know. But anyway, I popped the question. A weeks later we were married
by a Justice of the Peace in Virginia.

It all went downhill from there. Our honeymoon was a disaster. She
avoided being in intimate contact with me the whole time. She may have
admired and liked my mind, but she certainly made it clear that she
hated my body. Even if she did call me handsome. The nonverbal stuff was
the truth and I knew it.

We never did consummate the marriage, to use the old term. I moved into
her apartment with her, but I mostly slept on the couch at night. And
you thought that habit was from the videos I watched. Nah, I just ended
up being more comfortable on the couch than I was the few times I slept
in her bed. She made me feel inadquate by her denial of intimacy. I'm a
full-grown man with a healthy libido, for God's sake.

I put up with this for about two months. I don't know why I put up with
it that long. Maybe I  was hoping that I could convince her. But when
those two months were up, she was starting to pull away from the
X-files. So I decided it was time I pulled away from her, before she
left me in the mud.

Our divorce was stilted. She took off to Europe when all the papers were
signed. I buried my head in the X-files. I didn't talk to her after
that. I tried not to even think about her. The whole thing was too
humiliating.

---------------------------------------------------

"But when she came back, Scully, it felt like I was seeing my wife, like
I never divorced her. Like she was somebody I could automatically trust
because she had that title, and had known me that well. I betrayed you,
Scully. I'm sorry."

I know she will never forgive me. A scrutinous look forms on her face.
"You should be. You nearly cost us everything we worked for."

I crouch against that scrutiny. But I deserve her punishment, so I
continue. "You, you mean a lot to me. I can't believe I acted like that.
To someone I. . ." I can't say it. She won't believe me.

"Love, Mulder? Love is built on trust."

I turn away with tears in my eyes. I'm just about ready to grab my gun
as I did after Modell showed up the first time. I've lost it all.

But she anticipates me and pulls my hand away from the holster at my
hip. I look at her, not bothering to wipe away my tears. "I'm sorry.
I--I don't know what to do. I'm lost without you, Scully."

She puts her hands out to me. I grab them, and she pulls me up. I didn't
know she had the strength, but it doesn't surprise me. She watches my
eyes the whole time. When I am upright, her face softens.

My words are quiet. "I do trust you, Scully. I love you."

"I love you, too, you know. Even when you're being an idiot." She smiles
through the tears that suddenly run down her cheeks.

"But. . ." The shock jolted through me. She loves me! Then in the next
second, my thoughts kick in. How does she mean it? "I'm glad I'm still
your friend."

Scully ponders for a second, then pulls me down slightly to kiss the tip
of my nose. I go cross-eyed trying to watch this. "I was hoping you
meant more than friendship, Mulder. Don't you think we've steered around
this long enough?"

The breath leaves me and I'm suddenly very unstable. How long have I
loved Scully? I don't know, that grew on me. But I wanted her body the
day she stepped into my motel room to show me the marks on her back. But
this is Scully. I don't want to risk losing her because I can't do it.
"I don't want to disappoint you."

"You've already done that, Mulder." She shushes me before I can speak.
"But I understand. She caught you at a vulnerable time nine years ago,
and this time around. Considering the inquisitions and our transfer off
the X-files, it's been hard. And she played you for a fool by giving you
exactly what you wanted: someone who believed.

"But as far as your body. . .Diana and Phoebe were the fools." Her eyes
rake down my form. I swear I see hunger in those blue orbs. I start
shaking, even as arousal hits me.

"Scully, I don't know what to do." She smiles.

"I thought those videos were educational." We smile. The banter comes
easily, even as nervous as I am right now.

"Only if you're into acrobatics. I don't know if I can do the simple
stuff." I grimace at myself. Why am I tying her down like this? She
deserves someone more loyal, more able.

"So kiss me. I know you can do that." We smile together at the memory of
our near-kiss in the hallway. "The rest of it we'll figure out."

So I sit back down in my chair to do this comfortably. Our lips meet.
Sweet, warm, gentle. A first time kiss.

Scully gleams as we break the kiss. "That was nice. But I need you
closer to me. I need to feel you."  She reaches to help me up again. As
I lean against her for support, she gently molds her form to mine. I
groan as her breasts press against my belly.

With her help, I sit on the sofa. My eyes plead for her direction. I'll
do anything. Just tell me what pleases you.

"Lay back." As I comply, she helps me raise my legs onto the couch. Then
to my amazement, her soft body settles on top of mine.

"Now kiss me." This is the kiss that should've happened in the hallway,
before the Consortium blew to bits and my ex-wife's betrayal was almost
complete, before Skinner manhandled me into letting him come to
Antarctica with me because he knew I bit off more than I could handle
alone.

Passion, mine and hers, fuel this kiss. I can't get enough of her lips,
her fire. And to my utter amazement, she doesn't try to pull away. In
fact, her mouth plunders mine savagely and her body squirms on top of
mine, as if she wants to melt into me. Oh my God. I feel like I could
come just from this.

But when she pulls away, a yawn eminates from me. Her eyebrow arches in
that familiar way.

"Sorry, Scully. Beating yourself up is tiring work."  She lays a hand on
my cheek. She gets up slowly. I wait to watch her leave, but instead she
holds out her hand.

"Come on. I know you have a bed now. Let's use it." My nervousness must
be plain in the way I suddenly have a lot of trouble getting up. "For
sleep, Mulder. These last couple days have been exhausting for both of
us." She grabs a cane fron their holder on the back of my chair and
hands it to me.

After I move to a standing position, she pulls my head down gently for a
kiss and whispers in my ear. "I'm not going to deny you anything,
Mulder. I just want to do it right. In the morning, I promise." My smile
feels like it will break my face, that's how wide it is. She grabs my
free hand as we make our way into my bedroom.

I sit on the bed. She kneels at my feet and begins removing my shoes.
Will she stop and not touch the hard plastic underneath? My fear is
answered with a questioning look. She's read my mind again. "How would
you like me to take these off? I want to do it right."

It isn't complicated to slip the braces off, but doing it too quickly
will sometimes cause my reflexes to recoil from a too-quick release of
pressure and pain. The pain is a result of standing too long on feet
that haven't developed perfectly. Where Scully got that piece of
information, I'll never know. But I thank God I won't have to embarrass
myself in front of her. "Slowly."

She slides them off without a hitch. My sigh of relief turns into a gasp
when she smoothes her hands over each slightly misshapen foot, sliding
off my socks and rubbing the muscles underneath the skin. Nobody has
ever thought to do this for me. I look down at Scully's face. She's
smiling at my groans of pleasure. Wow.

My amazement continues as she strips off my clothes as if I were a
child. Her touches are comforting, soothing, and mildly arousing. But I
don't try to entice her. She promised me later. I trust her completely.
How could I have doubted her before? I am such a fool.

When she has me down to my boxers, she kisses me lightly and shoos me
under the covers.

"Mulder, can I borrow a t-shirt?"

"Uh, sure."

She strips down to her underwear, hanging her suit neatly on a hanger.
Then she faces me as she opens her bra. Oh what a perfect woman, in
mind. . .and in body. I ache to touch the pale orbs I see before me.

She grants me my wish. Putting on the t-shirt and climbing into the bed
takes her seconds. Then she pulls me close. She gasps softly as I
hestitantly move my hands under her t-shirt, but she doesn't stop me.
She does the exact opposite. "Go ahead, Mulder. I want to feel your
hands on me."

I want to do more, but my fatigue catches up with me as I smooth my
hands gently over her skin. I stop my hands, just resting them on her
belly. I savor what she has given me. My eyes drift shut easily for
once.

The last thing my conscious mind registers is the feel of her spooning
against me.

------------------------------------------------------

I feel light caresses on my body, coaxing me to wakefulness. Oh, what a
wonderful feeling. I want to wake up like this for the rest of my life.

My voice cracks from disuse. "Scully?"

I can hear a smile in her voice, but I don't look. I'm not ready to open
my eyes yet. "Good morning. I take it you slept well?" I don't remember
waking up once during the night, whih is unusual for me. She must have
noticed too.

"Yup, better than I have in a long time." I finally open my eyes to see
her face above me. What a wonderful sight.

Even more wonderful is the kiss she gives me, warm and slow, like a
weekend morning. "Would you like to pick up where we left off last
night?"

"You, you still want to?" I thought she was just doing this for me, even
after what she said to me.

She just raises her eyebrow and moves my hand under her t-shirt. I find
her nipples already hard, as if in anticipation. "I've dreamed of this,
Mulder. Let's make our dreams come true."

What? She dreamed about me? But. . . I stop myself. The look in her eyes
confirms her words. She's waiting with passion in her eyes. A passion
for me. The thought is mind-boggling.

She smiles as if she's been reading my thoughts again. "I love you. I
want you."

"How?" My fears come rushing back to me. What if I can't do this?

She doesn't say a word. Instead, she moves to straddle my hips. "Ok?"

It's that easy? Yeah, it is. And Scully knew it. I nod my head and reach
to kiss her in thanks. The kiss starts out gentle, but changes quickly
as the fire runs through both of our bodies.
Her taste draws me in, sweet, hot. My hands trail paths underneath the
t-shirt. Gasps explode from her, breaking my contact with her passionate
lips temporarily.

Soon kisses aren't enough. I need to see her skin, feel it. I pull the
t-shirt over her head and stare at what I exposed. After a minute, she
moves herself down to rub her breasts over my chest. Oh, God.
"Sc-Scully. . ."

Her eyes are glazed with passion when she looks into mine. Obviously
satisfied with the way I'm responding, she bends her head again and her
lips follow where her skin has been, and lower.

When she reaches the elastic of my boxers, she pauses. Oh God, this is
where it gets difficult. I can't do much to help her in this position.
Then again, I should never underestimate my Scully.

She grabs the fabric and reaches underneath me with one hand. The hand
underneath me helps support my hips as she pulls the boxers down to my
legs and off. She must have stripped her own underwear off then, because
she's naked when she straddles my legs. Scully grins at me in victory. I
laugh in relief and joy. I can do this. We can do this.

I forget all my fears in the next instant, when she wraps her small hand
around my cock. She explores it gently, making me gasp and groan. But
it's too much. I'm too close. And I want more. And this time I'm not
afraid to ask for it. "Stop. Can we--I want to be inside you."

She smiles gently. I guess she's not surprised at the speed of my
response. She moves up to kiss me, our tongues tangling passionately. My
hands smooth over sensitive spots on her skin, trying to reciprocate
what she has given me thus far. Her moans come easily, but then she
pulls away slightly.

"Stay still for a minute." She positions herself and slowly lowers
herself onto my erection. I push up into her with the little muscle
control I have for that. She doesn't expect it. She gasps in surprise
and pleasure. Then laughs at the mischief in my eyes.

After a few tries, we find a way to start a slow rhythm. Scully braces
her hands on the bed. Mine are wrapped around the bedposts. She is doing
most of the work here, but I judge by the look on her face that it
doesn't matter. Then I lose myself in the whirlwind of sensations.

God, this is what I've missed all these years. Not just the jolts of
pleasure cascading through me, but the love and acceptance that Scully
gives me.

My groans echo through the room as she speeds up. Oh, God. I'm going to
come. I want to wait for her, but I can't. The feelings are too much.

When I finally open my eyes, my angel is grinning above me. "Never say
it can't be done."

I grin back at her as I release my hands from the bedposts. They head
straight for her pleasure center. It doesn't take much before she
collapses onto my chest, shaking from her orgasm.

I whisper in her ear. "I'll never doubt you again."

-------------------------------------------------

Geez, that's awfully long. For me, at least. :)
I hope it was fun for you!
Let me know. Feedback welcome at funger1@hofstra.edu

And visit the rest of It's Life and my other stuff at:
www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Chateau/9659