Letting Go By Vanessa Nichols Feedback:nessi_anne@yahoo.com Summary:After Mulder's presumed dead, Scully is admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Rating:PG Classifications:MSR, Angst Archive:Do not archive elsewhere. Copyright:Copyright Vanessa Nichols, May 1996. Juniper Hotel: Room 12 January 31st, 1999, 9:56 am He walked into hotel room and dumped his bag onto his bed. Quickly he moved over and picked up the phone. Fox Mulder dialled the number he knew by heart and waited. And as he waited a memory of his new found past resurfaced of the last time he had seen her... ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Old Lyon House August 27th, 1996, 5:12 pm The flames roared around them, the thick smoke clogging in his throat, making him gag. He shifted Scully in his arms and began to pray. Please God, don't let us burn in here. Please, anything but that. "Are you alright Scully? How are you holding up?" She said nothing, just remained prone and unresponsive in his arms. "Talk to me Scully!" "So hot." she mumbled in his arms. "It's ok Scully. It's ok." he lied. She frowned. "I hurt Mulder." "I know Scully." The fire began to inch closer, it was almost licking his shoes. He looked at the door and shuddered. The frame was alight and wood was already splintering. He looked at the window. There was a knee high wall of fire between them and the window. He looked at Scully in his arms and as if sensing his gaze she began to cough. The action made her almost double up with pain in his arms. "Mulder." she whimpered in tears. "I hurt." "Hold on Scully." And he moved forward, jumping over the wall of flame. The window was a reasonable size and open, but it was a split level house and they were about one and a half stories above the ground. He looked at Scully in his arms and then back at the fire that was crawling closer and closer to them. He could feel the heat licking at his body and face. It was like all his worst nightmares come true. But one nightmare was standing above his fear of fire, and that was that Scully would die, here, in his arms, burnt to a crisp. "Scully! Scully look at me!" she opened her eyes with difficulty and stared at him. "We're going to jump out of the window." Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment. "Why?" she asked, trying to keep panic out of her voice. "Because if we stay here then we'll become barbequed." he tried to keep his voice light so she wouldn't worried and then discovered he didn't need to. She was already slipping back into the pain. "Will it hurt?" she mumbled. "Yes." he said. "But not too much ok." She said nothing. "Dana!" "Hmm?" "Do you trust me?" She opened her eyes. "I trust you with my life, my heart and my soul." she whispered and then passed out from pain. He smiled in spite of himself. Trust her to say something like that now. Just then a sharp cracking noise startled him. He looked down to see that the fire had crept up all around them. The cracking noise was the floor - it was starting to splinter. Oh God, thought Fox as he prepared to climb out of the window. And then it all happened in slow motion. There was a loud crack and the floor started to break downwards. They were going to go down, realised Fox. Just as the floor gave way Fox used all his strength and threw Scully's prone body out of the window. The thud of her landing was drowned out for as soon as he let her go, the floor collapsed in a flurry of flames, splinters and sparks, sending him crashing to the basement floor where he mercifully cracked his head and fell unconscious... ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Juniper Hotel: Room 12 January 31st, 1999, 10:03 am He shook his head and continued to wait. There was dead silence on the end of the line and then a sharp beep. A recorded voice toned in his ear: "... It has been disconnected. I repeat, the number you have dialled is no longer in service. It has been disconnected. I repeat..." Fox hit the disconnect button. Surely there was some sort of mistake. How could Scully's line be disconnected? Had she not paid her bills or something? He punched in her mobile number. A chill ran down his spine as he heard the same recording, once again: "... disconnected. I repeat, the number you ha-..." He cut off the burbling and stared at the phone, worry coursing through his body. Stop being paranoid! he reprimanded himself as he searched his memory banks for another number, this time Margaret Scully's. As soon as he heard the ringing in his ear, he let out a sigh of relief. At least it was ringing! "Hello?" came the voice in his ear, exactly as he remembered it. "Mrs Scully?" "Yes?" "It's Mulder, Fox Mulder." He heard a sharp intake of air, and then silence. "Mrs Scully? Are you there?" "I'm here." came the voice, it was slightly colder in tone but Fox didn't notice. "Mrs Scully - I've been trying Scully's numbers but I haven't been able to get to her. Her phones have been disconnected." "Yes. Yes they have." "Why? Where's Scully? Is she alright? Is she safe?" "Dana is safe." replied Maggie. She offered no more information. "Mrs Scully - where is Scully?" "Fox I think you and I should have a little talk." Fox's eyebrow shot upwards at the words. They were so... so... so formal, so intimidating. It was then that he became aware of the slightly hostile air that was emanating from Mrs Scully's words, over the phone. "Mrs Scully - is something wrong?" "Yes." She gave no more detail and he decided not to push it for the moment. "Where shall I meet you?" There was a pause. Then, "Dana's. In half an hour." There was a click and the phone line went dead. Fox hung up the phone and stared at it bewildered. Sure, he had been gone for awhile. And he, for once, had not insulted anyone during that period of time! Besides, he would never have deliberately hurt Mrs Scully! He considered her more of a mother to him then his own real mother! Baffled, he got up of the lounge and grabbed his keys. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Dana Scully's Apartment January 31st, 1999, 10:38 am Fox pulled up outside Scully's apartment building and stared at it for a moment. Her car was missing and the blinds were drawn. Not totally unusual. She could just be out. But something deep inside him told him that something was wrong. Something was VERY wrong. Silently he exited his car and crossed the road, entering the familiar building. He knocked on the door and waited. He heard nothing. He knocked again and still there was silence. He shrugged and decided to let himself in. Slowly he pushed open the door, "Hello? Scully? Is anyone here?" There was no answer and so he stepped inside, and gasped. It was like walking into an old abandoned ghost house. Sheets covered the furniture and dust lay thick on the surfaces that did dare to show their faces to the world. Thinking he was in some kind of weird dream, Fox made his way through the apartment. It was devoid of anything resembling life, and more importantly, anything resembling that Scully lived here. There were no shampoos or soaps or toothbrushes in the bathroom. No pots or a kettle or mugs in the kitchen. The bookcases were empty in the bedroom, photos gone from the shelves. Blank spaces boasted places on the walls where once Scully's pictures had hung. Fox opened the hallway closet and found it empty, as were the kitchen drawers and the kitchen cupboards. Shocked to the very core he made his way back into the living room and turned in a circle. Feeling lost. "It's all gone." came the hard voice from the doorway. Fox turned and saw Mrs Scully standing there, arms crossed across her front, looking very much like Scully did when she was displeased. EXTREMELY displeased. "Where?" "Storage. Everything except the furniture." "But why?" he asked shocked. Fear crept across his face. "Where is she? Where's Scully? Please - you have to tell me!" "She's gone." said Mrs Scully walking into the room and shutting the front door behind her. She placed her bag down on the now shrouded armchair and regarded him. "What do you mean she's gone? Is she dead? Is that it? Is Scully DEAD?" His voice rose and cracked on the last word. She couldn't be dead. She couldn't. Not after all the time he had spent searching for her, searching for home, searching for himself. She couldn't be dead. Maggie Scully's face softened slightly as she took in the tormented expression on his face. "No." she sighed. "She's not dead. Not yet anyway." She looked off into space, as though lost in thought. "Sometimes though, I think it would be better if she were." "What are you talking about? Why would you wish her dead?" His shock had crept into his voice, disbelief mixed with fear and worry. "She was so brilliant, so smart, intelligent, and now...?" Maggie was still staring off into space, almost talking to herself. "Past tense?" asked Fox. "Why? Where is she? What's happened to her." "A wasted shell." came the words. She turned and stared at him. "A wasted shell." she repeated to him. "A wasted shell? I don't understand. Is she sick? Is she in another coma? Please - tell me!" he pleaded. "She is sick. And she is in a hospital." said Maggie. "Please." he implored. "I'm confused. What's going on? Why is she in a hospital? What's wrong with her? What happened to her?" "You happened to her, Fox. You." "Me? But..." Maggie cut him off. She needed to now where he had been all this time. For over two years they had thought he was dead and now, here he was, alive! Whilst Dana... "Where have you been Fox? We thought you were dead. They pulled your ashes out of the building for Christs sake." Maggie was working herself up into something which almost resembled hysterics and she forced herself to calm down. "Fox - what happened to you?" "I don't remember much about the fire. Just that it was so hot and she was hurt. I remember the floor collapsing and me throwing her out of the window, knowing that the action itself would probably hurt her more, but the thought of her burning..." he shuddered visibly "... I just couldn't let her burn. Just as I let her go, the floor beneath me collapsed, and I fell. I don't remember anything else after that. "I awoke several months later. I had been in a coma - head injury. Nobody could remember how I came to be there after the fire, nobody knew who I was. I didn't know who I was. Total amnesia. I spent several months in that hospital, trying to figure out who I was, where I came from. Finally they just agreed that my stay in the hospital was neither prolonging nor helping my memory return. They gave me the choice to leave and I did. I was on a medical assistance program which allowed me to live off. And I spent the next year living in Los Angeles." His voice trailed off into a whisper and he stared at the ceiling, not really seeing the criss-crossing spider webs that had been trailed across the smooth surface. He turned and stared at her again. "Finally, about two months ago, I was in a car accident. I hit my head pretty hard in the collision and when I came too in the hospital I found myself having flashbacks. Gradually my memory returned and yesterday I was released from the hospital. I flew back and arrived here this morning and here I am. Mrs Scully - please tell me. Where is Dana?" She felt tears forming in the backs of her eyes. It hadn't been his fault. He hadn't done it on purpose. She couldn't really blame him now. But still... The thought of Dana... A wasted shell... She shuddered and quickly embraced Fox before she could hate him again. She pulled back after a moment and wiped her tears away. "I think..." she broke off. "I think that it would be easier if I show you." He looked at her confused and opened his mouth to question her but she shook her head, silencing him. "We'll take my car. And I promise that I'll explain everything. Just... just not now... not here." He nodded and they both stood up. Fox ushered her out of apartment and then turned to lock the door. His gaze swept around the room once more and he shuddered. Oh Scully, he thought, where are you? What's going on here? ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Parkland Green Sanatorium January 31st, 1999, 12:48 pm Fox Mulder watched her through the metal lined glass window in the door. Tears where streaming down his face, unnoticed and undisturbed, in their path over his cheeks and chin and falling down onto his shirt, shoes and the ground. Maggie Scully watched him as she approached. He had been standing there, motionless for over half an hour now. She stood beside him and looked at him closely. "Fox - " He cut her off. "How long?" She sighed sadly but kept her back to the window. She couldn't watch her. It was too painful. "Almost six months." He nodded and continued to watch. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Unbeknownst to her watchers Dana Scully moved in agitated circles in her padded room. Her auburn hair, once kept short and sleek - practical but flattering - was now long and untidy as it spewed across the blue shoulders of her hospital shift. The shift itself was short sleeved and reached just above her knees. It was her only item of clothing and it possessed no buttons or zippers or ties. Her nails, once kept perfectly filed and mid length were now short and jagged - having been torn off and ripped at various times. There were shadows under her eyes, which stood out sharply on her pale gaunt skin. Her lips were white and drawn, almost pinched looking. Her mysterious and beautiful eyes which had in the past liked to change colour from cerulean blue to emerald green, now were a dull grey - their dullness only marred by the hints of madness that sparkled occasionally within. She was only thirty five and yet you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at her. She had the body of a teenager - wasted away to almost nothing. Dana stopped moving around the room, hitting the padded walls, hitting herself, and stood in the middle of the room. She tilted her head to the side and looked at some point, her eyes unfocused and glassy.And she began to speak. "Fox..." she laughed "... What? Mulder. I even made my parents call me Mulder. Mulder. Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you. If there's an iced tea in that bag, it could be love. It must be fate Mulder. Rootbeer..." she sighed "... You're delirious. Go home. Ok, here, take my sandwich - you'll need it. Oh, and Scully. Channel 1023, 11:30, all sports quiz show. Wouldn't miss it for the world." She stopped talking. And started walk briskly in agitated circles again. Running a hand repeatedly through her hair. She slapped herself a couple of times and then threw herself against the wall in the corner. Sinking down, she curled herself into a ball, her arms locked around her knees which were brought up against her chest. And she began to rock backwards and forwards. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Fox turned away from the window and stared at Maggie shocked. She placed her hand on his arm and started to pull him away. "Come on Fox. Let's go and get a coffee." He stood rock solid where he was. "What was that all about? That conversation? I remember that conversation... and she just repeated it word for word. My lines as well as hers." "Yes I know. She often repeats that conversation. It's one of her favourites." "Favourites? You mean she has ones to choose from?" He sounded horrified. "Fox. Come with me. Please. I'll explain it all to you." He looked back at her through the window. "Trust me Fox." She twisted her lips into a sad, wry imitation of a smile. "She's not going anywhere." Numbly he followed her. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Fox twisted the cup of coffee in his hands but didn't drink. Instead he looked steadily at the woman in front of him and listened as she began to talk. "After the fire... we all thought that you had died. Died! We buried your remains. And we all mourned for you. Everyone except Dana. She locked it all inside. She kept her head held high, never shed a tear in public and I don't think in private either. Somehow I don't think she really believed you to be dead. But nevertheless she visited your grave regularly. She got through the funeral. Packed up your office and your apartment. Kept only one or two of your things and the rest, well, I don't know where the rest went. She transferred back to Quantico where she took up teaching again. "She was so strong. I used to implore her to cry, talk about it. But no, she was fine, never felt better. I watched as she grew thinner and thinner. She had long ago stopped eating properly. She grew gaunt and wasted. She stopped going out all together really. She went to work from early till late and worked at home through the night. She rarely slept properly... and this all went on for two years. For two years she wasted away and drove herself to the brink. "Then, two years ago, on the anniversary of your 'death' she cracked. She had a nervous breakdown. She was never the same after that. Retreated into herself, not talking to anyone, just mumbling to herself over and over again. Finally, I had to commit her. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make but I couldn't cope with her anymore. She was a danger to herself and, I'm an old woman now Fox. I couldn't cope with her..." her voice trailed off sadly. "She's retreated into her own little world Fox. She's in a padded cell because of the abuse she gives herself. Most of the time it's just slaps and throwing herself to the ground. But, occasionally she's had to be put in restraints or sedated. She spends most of her time silent, just moving continuously in her cell. Then, for no reason at all, she'll just stop and look off into the distance and start to recite past conversations. She does it all perfectly. Every single word, sigh, laugh. You heard her back there. And then she retreats back into herself... until the next time." "You said that that conversation was one of her favourites. What are some of the others?" "One involving her father, me and her. It was the night he died. We had had dinner at her place and they ended up talking about her Christmas tree. Another one is I think your first meeting. She talks about her thesis and how you assumed she was sent to spy on you." He nodded and took a sip of his coffee. It had gone cold and he grimaced. He looked up into Maggie's eyes. "Will she get better?" She looked down and avoided his eyes. "Chances are..." she bit her lip. "Chances are... not good. She has good days Fox. But she also has bad days. Once she tried to rip out her fingernails, she removed two before they managed to restrain her. Another time she started to pull out her hair - not strands but clumps. And last month she tried to dig into her side - with her bare hands - luckily all she managed to do was break the skin a little." Maggie shook her head and looked up with tear filled eyes. "She has no idea of pain anymore. She is always trying to hurt herself." "What about other people?" "No. She doesn't attack anyone, but..." "But?" prompted Fox. "Fox I know what you're getting at. You want to know if you can visit her. Talk to her." "But?" he prompted again. "She won't recognise you. Physically, mentally. She won't even know if you're in the room. She's in her own world. She could be in an empty room, and have one person with her or thirty people around her and she wouldn't even know the difference." "I still want to visit her." His voice was firm and determined. Maggie could see that nothing would sway his decision so she didn't try to argue with him. It would be pointless and a waste of time. "We'll have to talk with Doctor Alexander." He stood up. "Then let's go." ___________________________________________________________________________________________ "You realise Mr Mulder that she won't acknowledge you. Even if you touch her or talk to her. You could punch her in the stomach and she wouldn't even care or notice." Fox grimaced at the words and Doctor Sarah Alexander's face softened. "I'm sorry. It was a cruel thing to say. But you have to realise. She won't 'see' you." He nodded."I understand." Sarah pulled a bag out of her pocket and opened it. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to empty your pockets, remove your jacket and remove your shoes." Fox smiled bitterly. "Let me guess. Everything removable is a hazard to her safety." She nodded and watched as he removed the offending articles. Just before her went in he turned and faced both of the women. "I will bring her out of this." They said nothing but regarded him sadly. "You don't believe me, but I will." he gave a small smile. "Trust me." Still they said nothing. Then, Sarah opened the door and let him in. ___________________________________________________________________________________________ The door shut and locked behind him but he paid it no attention. Instead he focused on the woman in the corner. She was still rocking backwards and forwards. "Scully?" he called softly. There was no response. He stayed where he was, and leant against the wall near the door. "Scully it's me. Mulder. Fox Mulder." Nothing. "I know you thought I died in that fire... but obviously I didn't. I somehow survived, but I had amnesia, and I only just recently remembered who I was. Who you were." Still nothing. "I came back as soon as I remembered." Suddenly she jumped up and began to rush around the room. She moved straight past him, her hair whipping across his chest as she moved. Then she stood in the middle of the room and tilted her head. He waited for her to start speaking. "Nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted." He felt tears form as he remembered that conversation and pushed himself off the wall. "Agent Mulder? I'm Dana Scully. I've been assigned to work with you." "Oh isn't it nice to be so highly regarded all of a sudden." he said before she could speak. "So, who'd you tick off to get stuck with this detail Scully?" He started to circle her and watched her carefully. She didn't acknowledge him at all but continued with the conversation. "Actually I'm looking forward to working with you." "Really? I was under the impression you were sent to spy on me." "If you have any doubts about my qualifications or cred-" For once Fox was ecstatic about his photographic memory. He could remember the conversation like it was yesterday. "You're a medical doctor. You did your undergraduate degree in physics. Einstein's Twin Paradox. A new interpretation by Dana Scully, senior thesis. Now there's a credential. Rewriting Einstein." "Did you bother to read it?" "I did. I liked it. But in my line of work, the laws of physics rarely apply." They continued on with the conversation. If he shuttered his eyes a little he could almost imagine that it was that day, all those years ago. Her hair was about the right length. She had gotten it cut into the short bob a few days after the case had ended and had stuck with it. But for that first case her hair had been long, shoulder length, like it was now. Their voices were the same, both mimicking the long ago words perfectly. "Do you believe in the existence of extra-terrestrials?" He had bent forward and whispered it into her ear as he had done so, eight years ago. "Logically I would have to say no. Given the time and distances, the energy required would exceed a spacecraft's capabilities..." "Conventional wisdom..." The conversation was nearing a close and he wondered what would happen when it finished. He felt like he had made a breakthrough of some sort. She was talking to him. True, she was still reciting long ago conversations, but she wasn't saying his lines as well. She was letting him say them. Responding to his words. "... That's why they put the I in FBI. See you tomorrow Scully. Bright and early. We leave for the very plausible state of Oregon on an eight am flight." He watched her carefully. The conversation was now over. Dana Scully blinked rapidly. Fox Mulder held his breath. "Not Fox... Mulder." He let it out and quickly tried to remember the next words. What he had said. Just as she was opening her mouth say the next words he remembered and beat her to it. "How you feeling?" "Mulder I don't remember anything - after Duane Barry." "Doesn't - it doesn't matter. Oh, I brought you a present. 'Superstars of the Superbowls'." "I knew there was a reason to live." "Now you want to get some rest. I came by to see how you were doing and say hi." "Mulder! I had the strength of your beliefs." "I was holding this for you." Fox looked at her bare neck and choked back a sob. The cross necklace was gone, but a deep red scar lay around her neck and he knew that she had tried to garrotte herself with it. The conversation was over and he watched as she started to blink rapidly again. He stared at her eyes and noticed that they were loosing their greyness. They were getting hints of green and blue in them. He felt a rush of hope envelope him and he looked up at the door to see Maggie and Doctor Alexander standing open mouthed and amazed at the window in the door. Doctor Alexander urged him to continue. He decided to see if she would respond to a conversation started by him. "You know, I always thought, when I got older, maybe I'd take a cruise somewhere. But this isn't what I had in mind. The service on this ship is terrible Scully." She had stopped blinking and now gave a small noise. She WAS following the conversation. "It's not fair. It's not our time to go. We still have work to do." "Mulder. When they found me, after the doctors and even my family had given up. I experienced something I never told you about. Even now I'm not entirely sure. But I'm certain. As certain as I am of this life, that we have nothing to fear when it's over." "I'm so tired." "You should sleep." She began to blink again. And he tried to think quickly. They had been unconsciously working their way through their history. Then she began to speak. "It happened three hours ago she went into surgery and the damage to her brain was worse than they had hoped. Her blood pressure started to rise and... um... she slipped away. She died for me and I tried to tell her I was sorry but I don't think she'll ever really know." He knew this conversation well, too well. It was burned into his mind, a brand, that not only had he lost his sister but now Scully had too. Quickly he answered her. "Oh, she knows. Melissa knows." "You were right. There is no justice." "I don't think this is about justice, Scully." "Then what is it about?" "I think it's about something we have no personal choice in. I think it's about fate. Skinner told me that he talked to you. That you were insistent about coming back to work. And if Melissa's death is..." "I need something to put my back up against." "I feel the same way. We've both lost so much but I believe that what we're looking for is in the X Files. I'm more certain than ever that the truth is in there." "I've heard the truth, Mulder. Now what I want are the answers." She began to blink again, but more slowly, more controlled. As though she was trying to clear her eyes of something. He heard the sound of the door opening and looked up to see Doctor Alexander and Maggie slip into the room. Sarah opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head. He had to keep Scully focused. Had to draw her further into the present, out of the past. "Scully run!" he shouted directly into her ear. She flinched slightly. Not a complete movement but something. She said nothing, there was nothing to say, her next action had been to pull the fire alarm. FIRE! He thought of their last moment together. "Are you alright Scully? How are you holding up? Talk to me Scully!" "So hot." "It's ok Scully. It's ok." "I hurt Mulder." "I know Scully." "Mulder. I hurt." "Hold on Scully. Scully! Scully look at me! We're going to jump out of the window." "Why?" "Because if we stay here then we'll become barbequed." "Will it hurt?" "Yes. But not too much ok. Dana!" "Hmm?" "Do you trust me?" "I trust you with my life, my heart and my soul." He waited for her to start blinking.She blinked once, only once, and then looked straight at him. "Mulder?" she whispered, swayed, and then pitched forward into his arms. He caught her swiftly and lowered her to the floor, holding her in his arms. "It's ok Scully." he said, tears streaming down his face. "It's ok." She looked at him confused. "Where am I?" "You're safe." was all he could manage to say. She nodded and raised a hand to his cheek. Then she turned in his arms and looked at her mother who was also crying. "Mom?" she asked and her mother rushed forward. "Oh Dana." she sobbed. Doctor Alexander moved forward. "Dana." she asked. "Yes?" "How do you feel?" "Confused." admitted Dana. "Very confused." ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Old Lyon House February 14th, 1999, 7:03 pm "How are you feeling?" asked Fox as he moved up to stand beside her. She turned to look at him and smiled. "Fine." They both turned and stared at the blackened ground. The house had burned down completely and all that was left was a few broken and charred pieces of stone and blackened soil. In the sky, the sun was burning it's last few rays across the sky as it sank behind the horizon. "I can't remember much about the fire." she said. "Neither can I." He placed an arm around her and drew her close to him. She slid her arm around his waist, enjoying their closeness. "Guess that makes us even." she quipped. "Guess so." They were both silent again. "I missed you over the years... alot." He smiled, said nothing and pressed a kiss onto her forehead. She sighed and hugged him a little tighter. "I don't want to go through loosing you again." she whispered. "You won't." he replied. "I promise." She nodded. "I love you Dana." "I love you too Fox." The sun slipped down completely and the night brought on the darkness. But in an empty plot of land, two people stood close and held onto each other tightly. Never again, would they let go. The End Disclaimer:All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property FOX, 20th Century and 1013 Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.