"Mulder and the Stinking, Rotten, Terrible,
Horrible, No Good, Very Bad
Day"

By: CAC
AKA The Stinker

*****************************

FORWARD
*****************************

Well for something a little different. I decided to go for alighter
touch this time and at the same time get some literary revengefor some of
those awful days that pop up every now and then. You know thosedays
where nothing seems to go right, the ones where you just want tocrawl
under the bed and hide but can't because with your luck the dustbunnies
lurking there would probably attack you. Well, poor Mulder....hegot all
of my days rolled into one. Hey, don't think, nah....thatcouldn't really
happen because the bit about the sunglasses came from personalexperience.
I'd like to thank Judith Viorst for inspiring the abovetitle....it bears
a certain resemblance to a title from one of her stories. Sorry Ihad to
put the poor guy through so much but once I got started it wasdifficult
to stop. Have fun.

*****************

Scully safaried through the jungle of clutter in Mulder'sapartment,
picking up the empty Chinese food containers and the pizza boxand
dropping them in the trash, on her way to the bedroom.

"Will you get the lead out, Mulder," she yelled."It's Monday...We have
an appointment and we're gonna be late!"

The strains of a Scottish drinking song, "BonnieJean" mercifully subsided
along with the running water as the sound of the shower dooropening
filtered into the other room.

"Well if you'd have gotten me up at the same time you gotup, I'd be done
already," he said testily.

"You needed the extra rest and how was I supposed to knowit would take
you an hour to get dressed?" she commented as she sat on thebed.

"OK, Alright.....So I'm not a "morning person",he replied apologetically.

He reached for his razor but it wasn't in its usual spot, sohe checked
the floor and under the sink...no razor. Where in the hell couldit be,
he wondered in puzzlement, as he stepped back from the mirror and
methodically searched the room without success. Here he was,supposedly a
crack, ace, number one investigator and he couldn't even locatehis own
goddamn razor. Mulder, he thought, you're pathetic.....He made aface in
the mirror and raised his middle finger in an upward motion. Takethat,
he thought to the universe in general. Oh well. In typical male
tradition, he figured, when in doubt ask a woman...they alwaysseem to be
able to find everything.

"Hey Scully," he called out patiently, "whenyou were in here earlier, did
you happen to see a razor just sort of lying around?"

She looked up from the bed with a thoughtful expression andreplied.
"It's on the ledge on top of the shower door." Shepaused for a moment,
thinking there was something else she wanted to say but couldn'tquite
remember what.

He reached up on top of the ledge and sure enough, there itwas.

"How in the hell did it get up there," he mumble tohimself as he put the
blade to his face."

It finally dawned on her what she had wanted to tellhim...."Oh, I used it
to shave my legs."

"Ow....Shit," he growled as the blood welled up onhis cheek. "Thanks a
lot for that timely bit of *useful* information." No, hecould tell this
was not going to be one of his better days.

Scully's cellular phone began to ring so she picked it up andquickly
answered in a curt, professional tone.

"Scully."

"Mother?", she asked, her tone softening. "Yes,I know about the family
dinner, Sunday...OK, I'll be there...Mom, will you please stoptrying to
fix me up with people. I'm doing just fine on my own." Shegot up and
wandered into the living room. "I'm not all *alone*....don'tworry about
me, I'm fine...really....Yes, ok.....Alright, if it makes youhappy, I am
sort of seeing somebody.....we work together. Oh come on....no,he's
*not* another "Jack". Yes, we're close....veryclose.....extremely, very
close.....MOM! I'm wearing the man's silk boxers---Is that closeenough
for you?", she blurted out over the phone in frustration.Oh, good God,
she thought and put her hand to her head. "What do you meanwhat kind of
man wears "silk" boxers?"...One who showsappreciation...."I" bought
them.....Fox Mulder........Mother, his *name* is Fox....I don't*know*
what kind of parent would name a kid "Fox". Danastalked back into the
bedroom just as Mulder stepped out of the bathroom draped in atowel and
brushing his teeth. He questioned her with his eyes and sheexplained,
"It's my mother."

"Tll mom ello," he garbled with his mouth full oftoothpaste.

"Mulder says hello.....I think."

She observed at him standing in the doorway and tried not tolaugh for he
had not yet dried his hair and it landed in wild disarray allover his
head like a punk rocker...That along with the piece of toiletpater stuck
on the cut on his cheek made him appear so incongruous to hisusual Ivy
League appearance that it was down right humorous. She chuckledslightly,
"I don't know, mother, I'll ask him."

"She wants to know if you'd like to come to the familydinner on Sunday."

"Wodn ms it fr thwrd."

She stared at him in confusion, attempting to decipher whatshe thought
was possibly some new alien language and just told her mother,"Mulder
said he'd love to. Gotta go...Love you too, Bye." Sheclicked off the
phone and stood with her hands on her hips. "Aren't you doneyet?"

"Bitch, bitch, bitch", he mumbled softly as thecorner of his mouth
crooked up into a lopsided grin. "Oh great," he sighed,as he dropped the
lid to the toothpaste down the drain. Now I'm gonna get blamedfor
clogging up the plumbing....Screw it---He'd already taken toomuch time in
here and Dana was getting impatient. Now if he could just findsome clean
underwear. He crossed the room, pulled out the drawer and
found....nothing. Raising his head slowly, he gazed at her withpleading
eyes. "Please tell me you didn't take the last pair."She assumed a
guilty stance, opened her mouth, shrugged slightly and held upher hands,
palms out. "wonderful," he sighed. "It'sok,...it's alright...my fault."
He knew he should've done the laundry yesterday. He reached overand
grabbed the slacks off the bed and put them on. "Well, itwouldn't be the
first time," he grumbled.

* * *

Dana smiled in spite of herself, when he sat down on the bed,and his
right shoestring snapped off in his hand as he tried to tie it.
Determined not to let things get the best of him, he walked overto the
closet, dug out an old pair of loafers and held them up in frontof her.
"Look, see, no laces." He slipped the shoes on andwalked cautiously to
the door. "Let's get out of here," he whispered,"before I hang myself
with my neck tie or something equally bizarre."

Dana laughed softly, "things have to get better...theycan't get much
worse."

"Don't say that," he said quietly, as he shut thedoor and the door
knocker fell on his toe. "Shit, that hurt."

"I guess I stand corrected. Can you walk?"

"Yeah, I can walk." He looked skyward. "What isthis? Let's dump on
Mulder day?"

They were walking down the hall when Mulder stopped suddenly.

"What's the matter?", she asked with concern.

"There's a big decision to be made here." He lookedto the left at the
stairs and then to the right at the elevator with suddenapprehension.

"What are you talking about? What decision?"

"Elevator or stairs....at this point, either one could bedeadly."

"Oh Mulder, get a grip and get in the blastedelevator."

The doors opened and she gave him a shove before he couldprotest. The
elevator worked smoothly and took them quickly to the bottomfloor.

"See, I told you everything would be alright....you'reoverreacting," she
assured him convincingly.

He studied the elevator with relief. Perhaps he *was* takingthis run of
bad luck too seriously, he pondered as he stepped onto thesidewalk and
into a wad of gum that stretched for four feet before he realizedit was
on his shoe.

"Goddamn it," he cursed as he tried to rub the gumoff on the pavement.

"What now?"

He took his shoe off, along with the thin strand of gumdangling from it
and held it up for her to see.

"GUM," he answered with disdain as he tossed thefootwear into the rear
floorboard and upon straightening, cracked his head on the doorframe.

"Jesus Christ, Dana, this is getting damn ridiculous, hestammered,
squinting in pain....you better drive."

She had to admit that she was beginning to agree with him, gotout and
slid into the drivers' seat. Mulder went around to the passengerside and
carefully got into the car. So far, so good. He wasn't gonna doanything
so nothing could happen....right? They drove down the streetwithout
incident until Scully turned the corner and hit a pot hole. Theglove
compartment flew open and slammed down on his kneecap as theflashlight
flew out and landed between his legs.

"Umph...." he exhaled explosively and painfully andin a strained voice
gasped, "Dana....,I think I've just been disfigured forlife."

"Good grief, Mulder, are you gonna be OK?"

"If I make it through this day....maybe." What'sthis appointment about
anyway and why didn't you tell me about it? I mean, it is my
section...Today's supposed to be "catch up" day to getthe files ready for
review on Thursday.

"I didn't think you'd be interested," she remarked,truthfully. Somehow,
we got funding for a new computer....I figured, don't look a gift
horse....so I didn't ask any questions. I'm sure it's probably amistake,
but by the time they discover it, hopefully it'll be too late.Anyway the
company rep. is coming to our office at 9:00 AM to show us what's
available."

"I'm interested....I'm interested in finding out who inthe hell gave *us*
funds. Now *that's* an X-File. Hey, just because I don't takenotes on
the damn things, it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate their
usefulness...They're just so impersonal, that's all.

They pulled up into the parking lot and got out. Mulderreached down to
get the shoes from the rear floorboard and noticed that the heelon one
shoe had come off when he'd thrown them. He picked them up, metwith
Scully, and strolled over to the building where he tossed whatwas left of
his shoes into the trash can by the door.

"You're not going in there without shoes?"

"You have ten minutes to make your appointment. If youhave any better
suggestions, I'd be more than willing to listen."

"No, I guess I don't."

"Thank you."

They walked in the door and crossed the hall to the elevator.

Oh this is just great. Out of the corner of her eye shespotted agent
Carter pointing in their direction and sidling over to theelevator. She
couldn't stand him because he made it his purpose in life tocause Mulder
grief whenever the opportunity arose....like now.

"Hey Mulder," Carter sneered sarcastically, lookingdown at Mulder's
shoeless feet. "Is this some new fashion statement or arethose nasty
"Reticulans" now into stealing shoes?"

"As a matter of fact, Carter, he replied, straight-faced,I've heard
reports that they seem to have developed a *ball* fetish and Igather that
you've already run into them, since yours are obviously"missing". Have a
nice day...." The elevator door opened and he and Scully gotin.

She smiled secretly. She couldn't explain the satisfaction itgave her
when he "got in a good one" on some of these morons.She needn't have
worried about him, he could take care of himself when it came tothese
idiots...I suppose he'd had a lot of practice. This had not beena very
good day for him so far and she'd noticed that he'd become alittle surly
in the last hour or so.

While in the elevator, two women standing behind him werediscussing of
all things, how to get rid of "panty lines." He thoughtmomentarily of
his own predicament and snickered, then turned to them andremarked, "if
you don't want the lines...don't wear underwear." Theirmouths fell open
and Scully jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.

"Ow, what did you do that for?....he asked."

She gave him a dirty look and then a pouty smirk. The doorsopened and
she gratefully stepped out with him two steps behind. As theyraced down
the hall, he took a detour to the Men's room.

* * *

I'll be there in a couple of minutes," he called afterher. He strolled
in, did what was necessary, bent over to flush and watched indisbelief as
his sunglasses fell from his shirt pocket into the toilet anddisappeared
through the plumbing in a swirl of blue water. After thisshocker, he
approached the sink, slightly preoccupied, to wash his hands. Heturned
on the water, heard a rumble in the pipes and was totally sprayedwith an
explosion of water before he could turn it off....Obviously airin the
lines, he thought absently. Straightening slowly, he closed hiseyes,
heaved a sigh of resigned acceptance and tried to think of whathe could
have possibly done to deserve this kind of retribution.

He made his way down the hall, entered his office and slowlysat down at
his desk to silently watch Dana haggle computers with the rep.Since she
was the one who would be using it the most, he figured she shouldget
whatever system fit her needs---plus the fact he was becomingmore than a
little paranoid about doing or saying anything and didn't want toget
involved with anything remotely "important" today if hecould help it.

About a half hour later, the meeting concluded and they bidfarewell to,
who Scully referred to as, "the computer guy". Sheambled across the
office and sat on the corner of his desk.

"You feelin' OK, Mulder?"

"Yeah, I'm fine...just fine," he repliedunconvincingly.

"You've been kinda subdued. I don't think you said threewords the whole
time the guy was here.

"I just didn't want to screw things up. Listen, I need toget to a
department store. Trying to demand respect in the workplacewithout the
benefit of underwear or shoes isn't easy and plays havoc with the"Bureau"
image and if that asshole Carter says *anything*, I'm gonna deckhim on
the spot. Can we go now?"

"My are we getting irritable or what? Wanna borrow myMidol?"

"I'm sorry, it's just....it's just been a roughday," he said dejectedly
and lowered his eyes.

"It's Ok, forget it." She patted his shoulder andtugged on his elbow.
"Let's go to the mall."

As they walked through the mall parking lot, Mulder squintedhis eyes in
the sunlight.

"Why don't you put on your sunglasses?", she askedcuriously.

"I can't. I flushed em'." The last part of thisstatement was barely
audible.

"You what?"

"Flushed em'", he repeated with embarrassment.

She stared at him with that "are you pulling my leg"look, and joked,
"you're kidding, right?"
But a closer inspection of his face convinced her that he wasserious.

"Why did you do that?"

"It was an accident. Now there's probably some Ed Nortontype running
amuck in DC wearing my expensive pair of designer sunglasses andgetting
lost in the sewer cause he can't figure out why it's too dark tosee.
Gee, I hope he enjoys em'"

They entered the store and headed for the shoe departmentwhere the
salesgirl took one look at his feet and shook her head. Hemisunderstood
and felt obliged to explain. "The heel on my shoe came offand I didn't
have another pair with me."

"Oh, it's not that.....It's just that they're so big. Idon't know if I
have anything that'll fit you except maybe the display pair onthe rack
behind you."

"If they're thirteens, I'll take them...I'mdesperate."

Hallelujah, something actually went right. They were a littlesnug, but
not uncomfortable, so he paid for them and headed for the Men'sdept. ,
where he snatched a pair of boxers off the rack, put them on inthe
dressing room and handed the cashier the price tag.

"Ring it up," he said with a sigh of relief, hell,he was starting to feel
human again. The sales clerk eyed him suspiciously and asked,"where are
the shorts?" He motioned for her to lean forward, thenlooked at her
straight in the eye and whispered confidentially, "Lady, I'mwearin'
em'.....OK, look, I forgot to do the laundry, give me a break,huh?" The
woman nodded nervously and did as he asked.

This day may not end up so bad after all, he decided as hepassed the
perfume counter. Maybe he'd get Dana something while he was here.On a
whim he picked up one of the sample bottles, and turned it upsidedown to
put some on his finger. Fate was not with him in this either forthe
stopper fell out and the strongly scented contents spilled outover his
sleeve. Checking to make sure nobody was watching him, he gentlyreturned
the bottle to the tray and beat a hasty retreat to the aisle andwalked
away, collecting a number of stares from customers as he passedthem. He
reeked....

He located Dana in the jewelry department and she wrinkled upher nose as
he approached her.

"Jesus, Mulder, you smell better than I do, what *is*that?"

"I think they call it "Poison". I was gonna getsome for you but
it....ah.....didn't work out."

She bowed her head slightly. "I don't wanna know. It's a*little* strong
don't you think?"

"Yeah, I know. I got propositioned twice on the way overhere."

She raised her head and pursed her lips. "Were theypretty?"

He chuckled lightly and replied, Actually no, I don't think"Larry" and
"Bob" were exactly my *type*. Can we get out ofhere.....I think they're
following me." Say is there anyway I can get this stuff off?It's making
my eyes water and I can't breathe."

* * *

"I don't think so, it'll wear off...eventually. Look,It's past time for
lunch and I'm hungry, so let's go to the food court and grabsomething to
eat."

She sat down at the table with her salad and iced tea andwatched in
amazement as Mulder made a second trip to the counter to get therest of
his order. She counted two hamburgers, two large fries, achocolate
milkshake, apple pie, and an ice tea. God, that man could eat andnever
gain an ounce. Where does he put it all? She grinned...maybe itall went
to his feet.

He ate the first hamburger in five bites and the second one infour, then
took the ketchup bottle and attempted to put some ketchup on theplate but
it wouldn't come out. He tapped it lightly on the bottom with thepalm o
his hand but the contents refused to budge.

"I don't think that's gonna work," she saidknowingly and took the bottle
from his hand. "You have to break the suction by sticking aknife in the
top like this." She took the plastic knife, put it into thetop of the
bottle and jiggled it around, then held the container at an angleand
smacked it firmly on the bottom. The resulting ketchup projectileflew
across the table at maximum warp and impacted soundly on thefront of
Mulder's shirt. Dana's jaw dropped in surprise as she placed herhand
over her mouth and the only thing she could think of to say was"Oops."

Mulder rolled his eyes upward, put his hand to his temple anddropped his
head downward to study the big, red blob on his chest that hadalready
started to run in tiny red dribbles down the front of his shirt.He
looked across the table at Dana and remarked calmly, "Idon't think it's
Heinz," then took his finger, dipped it in the splotch,stuck it in his
mouth and confirmed his hypothesis. "Nope, definitely not"Heinz", he
said sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders. They both burst outlaughing
at the absurdity of the situation as he accidentally knocked hisdrink in
his lap. He leaned back in the chair, tilted his head slightlyand
uttered in a low voice, "Oh Lord." She thought italmost sounded like a
benediction and in studying the stained, wet, ruffled figureseated at the
table, her affection for him renewed and reasserted itself.Surely anyone
else would be engaging in a justified case of the screamingmeemies by now
but he just buttoned his jacket over the mess and walked with herserenely
to the exit.

He sneezed several times as they walked back to through theparking lot to
the car. Mulder reached into his pocket, then into anotherpocket, then
looked through the car window and spied the keys lying on thefront seat.

"Shit," he muttered in exasperation, as he placedhis forehead on the
window.

"Mulder, unlock the door."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"The keys are in the car."

"Oh."

Two hours later, after the locksmith had let them into thecar, they were
on their way again. He had once more insisted that she drive andhe rode
in the passenger side after making sure that the glovecompartment was
locked and all object capable of causing bodily harm wereremoved. They
had only driven two miles when a loud "pop" assaultedtheir ears and the
car served to a halt along the side of the road.

She got out with him as he proceeded to change the tire. Itwasn't that
he needed her help....but the way things had been going, she justwanted
to make certain that he didn't kill himself during the procedure.
Everything went along smoothly and the tire was changed in aminimum
amount of time. He threw the tire, jack, and lug wrench into thetrunk
and closed it.

"Ready?", he asked.

She pointed to his shirt. "I see that you're colorcoordinated."

"What?"

"The grease on your shirt matches the ink on yourpocket."

He looked down, pulled out the broken pen and tossed it on thepavement.

"It figures. Wonder if "GAIN" could get all*this* shit out?"

They finally arrived at the DC Criminal Justice Building topick up the
required case files. Mulder was tempted to just stay in thecar...he
should've followed his instincts. He opened the door and steppedout onto
the sidewalk, just as he heard and felt a sudden splat on hisright
arm.....he made a quick and definite decision that pigeons*should* be an
endangered specie and in anger he slammed the car door.....on thefingers
of his left hand.

"Fuck!....."Dana, he wheezed, unlock the door,please."

She ran around the car and it took her a couple of seconds torealize what
had happened.

"My God, Mulder, don't move," she instructed as sheunlocked, opened the
door and examined his hand."

"Where would I go?", he gasped, eyes wrinkled withpain.

She wrapped his hand with the gauze from the first aid kit andtook him to
the Emergency Room, where he received ten stitches and threesplints.

"At least it's not your shooting hand," she saidtrying to comfort him. "
That's it...Tell ya what...the day is almost shot and so are you.Why
don't we just take the files to my place and work on themthere."

"You sure that you want me there? I mean the place couldget hit by a
freak tidal wave or something."

"I'll get out my life jacket.....Come on." Shegently ushered him out the
door and into the car.

They arrived at her apartment and she asked if he'd like toplay a movie
to unwind, so he took out a tape, placed it into the machine,pushed play,
and watched the VCR devour the tape like a hungry wolf.

"I give up", he said, looking up to the ceiling. Hecrossed back over to
the couch and sat down ever so slowly for he came to therealization that
he couldn't identify a place on his body that didn't hurt .

Dana returned to the living room with two glasses of iced teaand sat down
beside him.

"I broke it," he said sullenly.

"Broke what?"

"The VCR." He pointed to the pile of video tapelying on the floor.

She shook her head and picked up the newspaper. "Oh look,Your horoscope
says: Today is not your day, be very cautious if you must venture
outside. Stay at home with someone special...travel could bedangerous...
everything you touch will turn to shit."

He gave her a side-long glance..."It doesn't saythat."

"It should."

"Oh, now you tell me."

She laughed and laid her hand on his knee and he winced."That hurt?" she
asked.
"Yeah." She lightly kissed it.

He wiggled his big toe.

"That too?"

"Uh huh."

She ran her lips over his foot. He held out his injuredfingers and she
softly kissed them.

He pointed to his head and she gently brushed her lips overthe bump.

"Here too," he said, as he turned his cheek to her.She kissed the boo
boo.

His eyes suddenly took on a devilish glint as he rememberedthe
flashlight. She read his thoughts, smiled ruefully and turned outthe
lights.




FINE