Title: Mulder, It's Not Me
Author: Leighcia
leighcia@hotmail.com
http://listen.to/thedark
Category: Story, a lot of angst
Spoilers: GETHESMANE
Keywords: Character death
Distribution: Anywhere, please tell me where.
Story Summary: What if Mulder really did die in Gethesmane?? Scully battles her
insecurities and desires to follow Mulder.
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine!! But the story's mine!!!



     The bloody face. The self inflicted-wound. The funeral. It was all
too much too quickly. 
     Mulder's belief was unstable. Strong at times, weak and easily
altered at other times. The weaker his belief the weaker his spirit or
maybe it worked the other way round. 
     Scully had already taken two days off work since Mulder's death. She
just never felt the same afterward. Of course, you weren't suppose to feel
the same after someone you love suddenly walks away. Except for Scully, it
felt worse. It wasn't as though just some close and perhaps only friend of
her died but she felt as though part of her, part of her spirit had
fallen, collapsed and died as well. 
     Time would heal wounds, Scully reassured herself only to figure out
time couldn't resurrect the dead. 
     The next day, Scully appeared for work. She would have to get on with
her life. She sat silently and still in the basement office. The smell of
Mulder's cheap cologne lingered in the office as if his soul found it hard
to die. Hard to leave the x-files and the Truth still unknown. Scully
opened a filing cabinet and took out a folder marked "Fox Mulder." He was
an x-file. And everything he believed in. 
     Before Scully got a chance to really look at the file, she received a
call from Skinner to go up to his office. 
     Scully entered Skinner's room with caution. She couldn't be too sure
of anything anymore. 
     "Dana," said Skinner gently. 
     Scully nodded uneasily. 
     "Dana, I know this won't be easy for you," said Skinner, "but I want
you to read the x-file on Samantha Mulder. There's also an x-file secretly
opened for Fox Mulder you might want to take a look at too." 
     "I don't want to do anything that has to do with Mulder and his
life," said Scully, in denial of her feelings, "I want to try and move on.
I don't want to linger on this anymore." 
     "But Dana," said Skinner. 
     "It's Scully," she said. 
     "Scully, this is important to the x-files." 
     "The x-files was Mulder's work, not mine. I don't, I don't even want
to work on the x-files anymore. Not when I'm working alone." 
     "You won't be working alone," said Skinner, "I've arranged a new
partner for you." 
     "Okay, can I meet him?" said Scully uneasily, unsure of how she would
accept a new person. Or how the new person would accept her. 
     "No, I don't think you're ready for that," said Skinner, "Not until
you're finished reading through the files. Let's say your new partner is
no more than an old relation." 
     "Who is it?" said Scully all of a sudden. Names racing through her
head but none came to her mind. 
     Skinner said nothing and looked down back to his work.  Scully
understood the message and left the office. 
     She returned silently to her office. Silently, other than the
monotonous clicking of her high heel shoes. 
     Mulder's "I want to believe" poster greeted Scully as she entered the
familiar and lonely surrounding. I want to believe, thought Scully, that
this is just a dream. 
     Scully sat down in front of the desk. The Fox Mulder file still lying
intact on the table. A couple sharpened pencils nobody ever bothered to
use on the side. 
     There were several pages on Mulder's file. The first one had vital
statistics: age, height- nothing Scully did know already. 
     The next page was the important stuff. Why he was an x-file. 
     Does this really matter, Scully thought all of sudden, he's dead. She
wanted to explode, not in tears, but in anger and insanity. Everything was
so fake and artificial.  The funeral with the sorry sighs and the sorry
tears. Nobody but her could really care for as crazy a man as Mulder. 
     That's because I'm crazy, resolved Scully. 
     "Yes, I'm crazy," said Scully aloud holding back her tears. She
hadn't cried since Mulder's death. Crying was a sign of weakness and she
wanted to be strong. Strong in front of him but was he here? 
     "I'm ok," reassured Scully to herself, snapping out of her almost
trance-like state.  But Scully was anything but OK. The more time she
spent with herself, the sicker she got of her own company. Scully was
beginning to understand why Mulder would want to leave this world. He lost
his faith in everything he believed in. Scully lost faith in Mulder, the
only person she ever trusted. At least it would be easier for me, thought
Scully, because nobody cares for me." 
     Scully suddenly jumped up and ran out of the Hoover building ignoring
everyone who was trying to stop her. Her life was flashing before her
eyes. 
     Twenty minutes later, dazed and confused, Scully arrived home. 
     "This will be clean and painless," Scully said. 
     Scully undressed and put on a nightgown. She washed her face, brushed
her teeth and tidied her hair. Scully wanted to look like she died in
peace. Maybe even make it look like her death was an accident. 
     Everything was ready. Scully sat on the edge of her bed, sleeping
pills in one hand, a large glass of water in the other hand. 
     I can still turn back now, thought Scully, If there was anything
worth going back for. 
     Scully closed her eyes and rested her weary self for a moment. 
     Then the phone rang. 
     Scully wondered if she should answer. It wouldn't make a difference. 
     "Hello.....Hi mom, I'm fine....no, I'm ok...you don't need to worry
about me.... I'll get over it....mom, I have to go......I don't want to
talk about it, is that not hard to understand...I'm fine....Bye." 
     Scully hung up. She couldn't bring herself to follow in Mulder's
footsteps. A line was drawn by none other than the one who gave her life.
Yet deep within, Scully felt a slight sense of guilt for abandoning the
one who gave her life meaning. 
     Scully picked up a framed photo of Mulder by her bedside. He was so
still and quiet, unlike the Mulder she grew so attached to. He had his
glasses on, looking down at a pile of papers. There was no smile to be
seen in that picture but Scully managed to let out a bitter smile as a
tear lingering in her eye finally found the courage to leave it's home. 
It landed on the picture and glided down, landing on the floor. 
     The next day, Scully arrived in Skinner's office. She lied and said
she read the files. Scully was eager to meet her new partner. 
     "Are you sure you're ready," said Skinner. 
     "Yes, sir," said Scully. 
     Skinner left the room for a few moments before he came back and said,
"Dana Scully, this is your new partner, Alex Krycek." 

THE END!! With room for a sequel.