TITLE: Thank God It Was Only A Dream AUTHOR: Angel Eyes DISCLAIMER: All of these characters belong to the almighty Surfer God himself, Chris Carter. They will never belong to anyone or me else but him. CLASSIFICATION: VA RAITING: PG SPOILERS: Everything 'till now. Some references to past episodes. SUMMARY: Scully dies while Mulder is in her pres- ence. How will Mulder deal with her loss? AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first attempt at writing a story. Please feel free to tell me what you think of it, I need great encouragement, if I want to continue. DEDICATION: This story is dedicated to Julia who said I could do this. Thanx a bunch. Thank God It Was Only A Dream As I gradually walked down that everyday hall- way, a chill ran down my spine. Every time I got near the door my stomach started to stir up, but I had to be strong, had to be strong for her. I couldn't show her that I was sorrowful, that I would be alone for the rest of my life if she left. When I entered the room, her mother greeted me. She looked just as bad as Scully. Her eyes were all puffy and red; her cheeks were stained with her tears that wouldn't stop falling. Her eyes were empty; looking as though there was nothing left in them. My heart fell to the floor and I knew the inevitable was finally here. She was leaving, for good. I took a seat next to her on the bed and placed her tiny hand in mine. Her hand was so still, it was almost as if I was already too late but I achieved to make it in time to say good-bye. To tell her I love her. Hopefully. She stirs in her sleep quietly and then her exquisite oceans blue eyes open wide and speak to me. She goes to speak but I place my finger over her lips. "Don't speak," I murmur to her. "Just don't." I help her sit up in the bed and stroke the lone auburn strip of hair away from her face. She looks so pale and so fragile, almost like she would brake if I touched her once more. But I had to touch her, had to reassure her that everything would be all right. I move in closer, leaning in to stroke her cheek. She's burning up with a fever. I leave for a second to go get a cold wash cloth and I hear a slight whimper escape her but I reassure her that I'm not going far. I return with a cold wet cloth and start wiping it across her cheeks and forehead. I place the cloth on the table next to her bed noticing she hasn't touched any of the hospital food. Who could blame her, that stuff tastes like crap anyway. I make a mental note to myself to get her a little treat after visiting hours. We sit there for what seems like an eternity before I fi- nally speak up, "How are you feeling?" I ask qui- etly. She looks down before she looks at me again and there is a lone tear falling down her face now. I know the answer; she doesn't even have to say. I wipe away the tears but I can't stop them now, they're falling like a waterfall. I take her in my arms and let her cry it out; it's what she needs right now. I rub the small of her back; it seems to calm her down a bit. I don't try and stop her and I don't push her away or let go of her when Bill JR, walks in the room. I stand my ground; I let him know that I don't care anymore of what he thinks of me. I just want to hold her. She turns her head slightly and notices him but she doesn't let go of me. I guess Bill noticed that as well and walked out the door. Finally she speaks, "I'm going to be ok, they said I would," she said through her sobs. I just nod my head; I can't say anything, not now and not ever. I don't want her to go on believing the lie as I have all these years but if it's the only thing that's keeping her going then I won't stop her. I pull her back and place my hands on either sides of her face. I just stare into those eyes, those eyes that have at times hidden things from me but also have saved me a thousand times over. I place a kiss atop her forehead. I look back into her eyes and see the tears coming back. I tell her it's ok to cry it's natural. For her it's not; it never has been ever since she started working with me. The last time I saw her cry was in my hallway when we almost kissed. The day I made my speech to her that would change our lives forever, "But you saved me…As difficult and as frustrating as it's been sometimes your goddamn strict rationalism and science has saved me a thousand time over. You've kept me honest; you've made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully and you owe my nothing. I don't know if I want to do this alone, I don't even know if I can and if I quit now, they win!" I knew from that moment on we would belong to each other, whether it be physically or mentally or emotionally, we would be one. I was about to an- nounce to her again that I loved her. I finally built up all my courage. This time I wasn't under the influence of the hospital's wonderful drug. I was about to say it when her heart rate machine started to go psycho on me. The look I saw in her eyes at that very moment made my heart shatter into more than a million pieces. She was slipping away on me and fast. I screamed for a doctor, a nurse, for a prayer but I was too late. She was dead. The last words to escape her mouth were, "I love you!" and then she was. No good-byes, any last kiss anything but the three words I wanted to tell her. Her brother, mother and doctor all entered the room to find me balling my eyes out. I was saying the same words over and over hoping it would bring her back, but it wouldn't. "No, no, Scully, please, please wake up. Please!" My tears were drowning out my words. I couldn't stop them. They were like an annoying water faucet that wouldn't stop in a hotel room. Her mother came over to com- fort me, her tears soaking my shirt. "It's ok Fox, it's going to be ok." She tried to reassure me but I wouldn't listen. I shrugged her arm off my shoulder and kept trying to talk to Scully. "Please, wake up, I need you, Scully I need you. Please. I love you. I love you so much. Please don't leave me alone, I can't do this without you." My tears increasing with each declaration that es- caped my orifice. The doctors and nurses finally announced to the family that she was gone. Both her brother and mother just nodded but not me. I was tranquil; I was like a dead weight. Her family started to leave the room but her mother noticed that I still wasn't moving. She came and placed her hand back on my shoulder. "Fox, honey, please come with us. There's nothing you can do. She left peacefully, please just let her go. Let her go Fox!" she said in almost aggravated tone. I stand up; I still haven't let go of her hand, which is now completely limp. Her mother pulls me by my arm but I don't want to budge, I don't want to leave her. After five minutes I let go of her hand which brought more sorrow. The doctors departed giving all of us their con- dolences. One of them in particular giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek telling me how sorry she was; that she knew how close Scully and I were. It took me more than a minute to see that it was a best friend of mine, someone who has always been there for me just like Scully and who has helped me through the rough times when Scully was in the hos- pital. I could tell Mrs. Scully was about to say something but I interrupted her by starting to cry again. This time I felt like I wanted to die, there was no reason to keep on living, not without Scully. She was my universe, my air, and my reason for living. But what was I supposed to do not that she was gone? I didn't stop crying for more than 20 minutes in Mrs. Scully's arms. I think I'm go- ing to have to buy her a new sweater, one more men- tal note that I'll probably forget. I didn't know where to go, what to do or how to do anything. My brain had just shut itself off. I decided to go to the hospital cafeteria not yet wanting to go home. I got myself a table and sat down. I had the blankest expression on my face. All of a sudden a large coffee and chocolate chip muffin were placed in front of me. I expected it to be Mrs. Scully but it wasn't. It took my eyes the longest time to move up to her face to find out who she was. I slowly drifted my eyes up her body, starting from her feet. From what I saw, she was very tall. She had nice slender, muscular legs, she also seemed to have a fit body but it was hard to tell because it was hidden behind that white coat of hers. I looked at her nametag and felt better, not much though. It read Dr. Isabelle Reed. She also had a little design on her coat of Tigger and Eeyor. "Can I sit down or are you just going to sit there staring at my chest?" she asked whimsically. "Be my guest and I wasn't staring at your chest!" I stated though a mumbled voice. She started to rub my forearm and the back of my hand soothingly. "How are you, really?" she asked in a very con- cerned voice. I think she's the very first person to ask me. I hesitated for a moment but decided not to say anything. I don't want anymore sympathy and especially not from one of my best friends. She noted my silence and took it as a hint that I didn't want to talk right now, that I needed some time to be alone and gather my thoughts before re- ceiving anymore-fake sympathy from people who really don't care. She let go of my hand as she stood up and I felt the wave of sadness return. She walked behind me and whispered into my ear, "I'm here for you, you know that right? Take as much time as you need but not too much though. When you are ready to talk about it, I'll be ready to listen. Go home, get some sleep and please try to eat something. And please don't do anything stupid. I know it hurts loving the person you love with your whole heart but it's not worth dying is it? I don't want to loose another friend." And with that she left. I nodded after she left, she's right, I had thought about killing myself after Scully had died but I had to continue, had to con- tinue for her. To find these bastards who did this to her and took her from her family and I. First, I had to get out of here but something was holding me back from leaving. I finally managed to get out of that hospital. There are so many unpleasant memories there that if I hadn't of got out of they're instantaneously; I would have started to bawl again. I sat in my car and didn't budge. The radio was blaring just as I turned the key in the ignition. I went to turn it down but a song that reminded me of her was playing. My eyes started to tear up but I quickly changed the channel. I went through all the AM and FM stations each time there was a song that reminded me of Scully. I finally turned off the radio hoping the silence would wash away my tears. The silence only seemed to bring me more sorrow. I can't do this without her. I turned the car off as I pulled up into her parking space. I kept thinking of her dying words to me. They would not cease to repeat over and over in my head. I looked over to the passenger seat in my car and saw her coat lying there. I picked it up remembering the last time she sat in that seat wearing it. It was only a few days ago when we were driving back from a case. That's how this all happened actually. It was on a Wednesday morning and we had just got off the plane coming back from Nevada. All throughout the flight she looked like she was going to pass out. She was white as a ghost and she was freezing cold, just like I had found her in Antarc- tica. We got in my car and all the way home she complained about the temperature. I thought she was just being foolish and told her to stop acting as if she were trying to get my sympathy. But then it happened, just like that. She started to get a nosebleed. When I saw that blood fall from her nose, I almost got us killed in a car accident. She turned and faced me with an expression I'll never forget. It was that same look she gave me just before she died. I closed my eyes and held her jacket closer to my heart hoping that she was in that jacket. I sobbed silently into her jacket wishing she were hear in my arms so I could hold onto her forever and never let go, never. I made my way up to her apartment door. I stood there studying, remembering all the many times I knocked down that door to save her or knocked on it to disturb about some worthless case. I position my hand in the knocking position when I remembered that no one lived here anymore. Once unlocked and then locked again, I was all-alone in this barren apartment, many memories still lingered in my head. But it was her, her spirit and her smell that was still present in the air. I still love that smell. I moved myself around the living room noticing many things that I had never seen before. It's probably because I was never here to sit, talk and admire her place; it was always about work. That's all it's ever been about. I don't think there was ever a day where I just stopped working to ask her how she felt, how she really felt. I was so wrapped up in trying to restore the burned X-Files that I didn't even notice her withering away before my very eyes. I fell onto her couch and it made a tiny thud. Her couch, how many memories do I have of her couch. How many times had I fallen asleep on her couch after something bad has happened to her? More times than I care to remember. I picked up a picture that caught the corner of my eyes. It was of her, sitting under a tree a reading a book, one of her favorite pass-times. There was a beau- tiful sunset in the background and the sky was clear. She looked like angel, my angel. I stayed on that couch for what seemed to be days on end but it was actually a mere three min- utes. I told myself to get over this, that there was nothing in the world I could do to bring her back, nothing. I had to start packing up her stuff; her mother would probably want to put it somewhere she could always look at. I went and found a couple of boxes in the basement of the apartment building. I also found a large masking tape roller. I was about to go upstairs when her super stopped me. "Hey you, drop whatever you got in your hands now and get the hell out of my basement before I call the cops!" his annoying voice went through one ear and out the other. I walked right past him and kept going, not even turning around to see the ex- pression on his face. After three hours of packing almost everything in her livingroom and kitchen in the boxes, I found myself starting to un-pack them as well. I remem- bered there was still the bathroom and bedroom, also any closet I missed. I went straight to her bathroom noticing a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. I guess it must be because I have no really bad or good memories of Scully and her bath- room. Well, except for the Tooms thing but I saved her. I picked up all the bottles, towels, and any other little accessory I could find. They all smelled like her, this was her scent. The one I always longed to smell everyday. Wild Strawberries seemed to be one of her favorite scents in this bathroom. I always dreamed of Scully and strawber- ries but it was too late for that. I was always too late, always. After packing up in her bathroom I moved myself to the place I had been dreading since my arrival, her bedroom. There were so many memories that lay in that room that I was afraid I might brake down and start crying again. I don't think it's possi- ble though, I completely drained my tears in her jacket. The moment my whole entire body was through her bedroom door, it was like a huge wave of sadness passed through my body. I almost started to cry again but I held it back. I walked over to her closet and opened it. "Wow!" I said in utter amazement. I never knew Scully had so many suits. But behind her suits were clothes I had never seen before. Never in the seven years I have known her. They were dress clothes, not office clothing but fancy dinner clothing. No wonder I had never seen her in any of them. I removed everything from her closet; placed all the clothes neatly on her chair. I moved toward her dresser. I decided to start from the bottom and work my way up. The bottom drawer contained pants. Every kind she owned. Like jeans, sweats, and spandex. Those must be for exercising, which she used to do regularly. The next drawer contained her shirts. From the mini-tees she owned all the way to the loose baggy shirts she wears for relaxing. Every- thing of hers is so stylish, but they lost touch when they were placed in the boxes with everything else. I was now at the final drawer. I knew what awaited me there. I thought about letting Mrs. Scully clean out that area but I knew it would take too long. I swiftly opened the drawer. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Inside were the usual panties and bras but there were also some boxers and some really short shits. All rolled up neatly in the corner were her nylons, knee-high stockings, and socks. She had quite an amount of stuff in these drawers. I started to feel faint. I was tired after hours of packing. My stomach was rumbling and my throat was very dry. I moved back to her kitchen for some food and something to drink. There wasn't that much in choice to eat or drink. Actually there was nothing good per say. It was mostly health stuff or low-fat stuff. Blah! It seemed the more I cleaned up all of Scully's stuff, her apartment was somewhat looking more and more like mine; cluttered yet barren at the same time. I had eaten the muffin that Belle had given me earlier tonight. It was actually quite good. It was hard to believe that it came from the cafete- ria. I moved myself back to her bedroom and sat on her bed. God, this bed held so many memories for me. It usually involved something dangerous but it reminded me more and more of Scully. I went through the books beside her bed. 'The Deep End of the Ocean' 'Kiss the Girls' 'The Shinning' 'Break- fast at Tiffany's'. A lot of good books, hard to believe she had great taste in book as well. What didn't she have great taste n, oh yeah, men. There was another book that caught my attention. It had no author nor a title. I picked it up and flipped through it quickly. There seemed to always be the same name but different dates. Could it be that I had stumbled upon a diary of hers? I placed the diary back realizing that I had no right to read her personal thoughts. I had put my foot down but my curiosity won me over and I leafed through her diary. Some of the entries were very interesting or so they seemed. I wasn't really reading them, I was just looking for a name, mine. I didn't find it, not even once. How weird. Just as I was about to lace the diary back for a second time, a piece of paper fell out, actually a couple fell out. I picked them up and was shocked at what I saw. It was a letter and it was addressed to me. I was very curious about this letter. I placed the papers in the right order and started to read. Dear Mulder, If you are reading this letter it means that I am dead or that you are just plain snoopy. I know you are probably going through a pain right now. All I can say is sorry. Whatever happened to me is not your fault, well unless you really killed me. These jokes are just as bad as yours but I guess that comes from spending more than 7 years with you. I know it will take you a while to get over me but you must be strong, you must continue. You must go on to find the men who did this to me and who took away your sister. You must continue you work on the X-Files to find the truth. Love you always and forever, Dana Silent sobs escaped Mulder. His tears were soaking the letter. "I did find my truth Scully, you, you are my truth." He refolded the letter and placed it in his back pocket. His eyes started to droop. His body curled up on her side of the bed. He held her pillow and sobbed some more. He quickly fell into a deep sleep; he had cried him- self to sleep. I paced around her livingroom waiting for some- one to come, anyone. Then all of a sudden she was there, right in front of me and looking as beauti- ful as ever. Could she be an angel, the angel she always was? "Scully? Scully is it really you?" "Mulder," she whispered quietly. I was speech- less. "Mulder, Mulder, Mulder…" I was suddenly being shaken, then it stopped. Now there was a warm, soft hand stroking my cheek and hair. "Hey sleepy-head, wake up. You're sleeping on my pillow and pj's. Get up." I was now being shoved further on the bed. I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the dim light. "MMMRRRPPPHHH…" I said groggily, clearing my throat. I gradually lifted my head from the pillow and noticed it was wet in one particular place. I was drooling, how embarrassing. When I saw the person in front of me I almost had a heart attack. It was her, right there before my very eyes. The same eyes that hours ago saw her die. But she was- n't dead, she was alive. "Earth to Mulder. Hey, common get moving, I want to get to sleep," she said with a slight laugh in her voice. "Scully, you're…you're alive. But how, I saw you die? What…how…" I mumbled through a question- able voice. "Mulder, I'm very much so alive, I assure you. You fell sound asleep on my bed after you threw-up three times in my bathroom. You must have had a nightmare because you were crying and tossing and turning in your sleep. What were you dreaming about?" She asked with a sympathetic tone. "It was horrible Scully. I dreamt that you had died, right in front of me and I never get to tell you I loved you," I paused for a moment to see the expression on her face. She was smiling at my last words. "I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I cam here, to your apartment. I decided it would be best if I clean up your stuff seeing as how I would be the only person who could do it. I was so sad that I cried myself to sleep on your bed. I was actually surprised that I had more tears to cry because I cried them all in the hospi- tal and the car. I was so scared, I though I had lost you forever, then I had a dream in a dream, that was even weirder. Promise me Scully you won't ever leave me, I don't think I could deal with it. I need you and I…I love you!" I stated it quite proudly and her eyes teared up. The tears started to fall and I hugged her with a lot of force. I never wanted to let her go, never. I guess I held her too tight because she tried to push me away and tried to gasp for air. "Oh Mulder, I'm never going to leave. I prom- ise. You have my word that I wont leave unless there is a really good reason and even then they will have to drag me away from you," she laughed a bit through her tears. "Common, why don't you get up and we'll go watch a movie and order some food, hoping you can keep it down." She pulled me up off her bed and brought me to her couch. She sat me down, wrapped me up in a blanket and popped in a video. I didn't know what movie we were watching I was too busy try to stay cuddled up to Scully. It has been a long time since we've cuddled. I like it, she's tiny yet warm. We stayed like this until the next morning but we would always stay like this, for eternity. The End What do you think? E-mail me at angeliceye@hotmail.com