Disclaimer: The X-Files and the Characters of Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, et. Al. are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended. Warning: Character Death (I'm sorry!) Rating: PG Spoilers: None really, but Scully's cancer and sterility are mentioned. I guess this is taking place after Biogenesis. The inspiration was Mulder in the padded room. Notes: Told from Scully's point of view. Replies: Please send all comments, criticism, or other input to Xphelyne@aol.com. Thank you. The Rain By: Xphelyne The dark sky shed tears of rain as I stood watching them lower him into the ground. He was my partner and my best friend. No, he was my only friend. The only man I had ever truly loved, and now he would never know. Never know that all I ever wanted was to be with him, to follow him on his quest for the truth and to drive away his pain. Since I met him, I had been to hell and back more times than I cared to count, but I always found the light at the end of those long roads, and he was always standing in it. I have come to believe that he was actually the source of that light. He was my only savior, and I will live my life believing I was his. I can't do it. I can't say goodbye. It's just too hard. I can't stop the tears from flowing either. My lower lip is trembling. I feel like I'm just a shell, my soul is in that coffin beside him. I can see myself standing there. I look so alone. Why are you crying Dana? It's just a dream. It's not real. It can't be. But I can't stop crying. I can't because it is real. It's not fair! How childish. Life's not fair Dana, why should death be any different? The ground is muddy, the water is swirling into the dirt and it looks exactly how I feel. Thoughts and feeling muddled into an unidentifiable mass leaving only numbness in its wake. How will I survive this? The cancer I dealt with, my sterility too, but not this, anything but this. Where do I go from here? I can't stay on the X-Files; I can't fight the future alone. I can't even imagine being an agent anymore. Go be a doctor Scully. Isn't that what he told me? Get as far away from me as you can. You couldn't be further away than right now. But I still feel you. It's just my imagination, a silly fantasy. You are gone and I am left to go on alone. Damn you! Damn you for leaving me this way! Mom is coming closer, she's behind me, but I see her. I see everything from here, standing beside myself. She puts her arm around my shoulders, holding her umbrella over me. She was always my protector, but she can't shield me from this raw pain inside. Lord I wish she could. Oh, mom," I cry. The first words I've spoken in days. Again my lower lip starts to tremble, and I imagine him gently cupping my chin, then, wrapping his strong arms around me. The tears sting my cheeks and mom's protective grip tightens. I know, baby, I know." And it's all she needs to say. I know she understands. She has felt what I'm feeling. She has lost so much too. And I know she loved him like a son. She feels the pain of this loss as well. She knows I need this time to grieve so she gives it to me, fully aware that I that know if I need her she'll be beside me at a moment's notice. She steps away, but not before wrapping my fingers around the umbrella in her hands. No, no, no. They're starting to fill the grave. I feel the weight of every shovel-full piling atop my shoulders. I flinch as I hear each of those first scoops hit the coffin. Oh, God, this is really it isn't it? I think I'm going to be sick, I can't catch my breath. Oh, it hurts so much. Reality can be so painful sometimes. I know they say that it hurts to loose the ones you love, but I never knew that the pain could be so physical. Now it's the boss's turn. He walks up and lays one hand gently upon my shoulder. I didn't even know he could make a gentile gesture. He's always so cold and so firm. He leans closer to me, his face beside mine, whispering softly into my ear. His warm breath caresses my numb cheek as he speaks. I'm so sorry Dana, I know how much he meant to you. If you need me-" The words are generic but the feeling is not. I hear genuine concern in his pain-filled voice, and, perhaps, a touch of vengeful despair. I never could figure this man out. He lingered there a moment, his quiet calm massaging my broken heart. Then he stepped away, and I felt perhaps he knew something I didn't. I'm alone again, for now. It's just me and myself. I can see that I am staring at his tombstone. The cold gray marble seems to be a mirror image of my own heart. The most honest of all lies, is that the truth is attainable. At this point I don't even know what that means, but he was always an enigma to me. The cemetery is empty. There are no mourners, no workers, only me. The umbrella mom placed in my hands is beside me. The rain filling the overturned shield and trickling out like a fountain. How long ago had I dropped it? The rain has soaked through my clothes. My whole body is numb. I don't know if I could move if I wanted to. But I don't want to. I don't want to leave him behind. He sat beside me hour after hour, waiting for signs of recovery when I was sick. He wouldn't leave me until he was sure I was okay. Now I needed a sign that he was okay. I would stand firm until I got it. But there's someone here. I feel them. I fear them. It's a cold that goes deeper than the rain. It chills me to my bones. I turn slowly. They are there, beside a large oak tree. How dare they defile the sanctity of this place with their presence! I stare at them with blind hatred. She is fidgeting. I must be making her uncomfortable. Good. But he, oh he is the epitome of cool indifference. Puffing on his Morley and void of any emotion. He could just as soon be standing on a street corner, or at a racetrack, as in a cemetery. Her eyes darted from me to him nervously. God, she is pathetic. He is coming towards me now. I don't fear him anymore. All I hold for him is a deep seeded loathing. She is following him-I can't help but think-like the dog she is. Agent Scully. I'm sorry for your loss." More generic pity, but again, these words had a deeper meaning. And that meaning was very malicious. How dare you." The words flow from my mouth quietly, but they must have been icier than I had anticipated because they both look a little taken aback. Now I'm on a roll. Stop before it's too late I try to tell myself, but it seems I have them right where I want them. Murders. What makes you think you have the right to come anywhere near him." Here, damn it! I meant to say here! Look how smug she's become all of a sudden. She knows I slipped up, damn it! I don't want to give her that much credit. They do not respond right away. They know I know, and they know I can't do a damn thing about it. "I came to pay my repects and offer my condolences, nothing more." He takes another puff, then flicks his cigarette into the mud and walks away. Again she follows him, but not without stopping at his tombstone, laying a kiss on her fingers and running her hand over the etched marble. I have the sudden desire to decontaminate the area. If I had my gun right now- shoot now, ask questions later. Isn't that how they did it? Isn't that how they killed him. Of course, it was deemed a suicide. But anyone who knew him knew he was too driven towards the truth to let it all go. And he had been in such high spirits recently. It didn't make any sense. Poor Teena. She lost her daughter so long ago, and now to loose her son as well. She lived for him. She hadn't even made it to the funeral. She was in the hospital. She collapsed when she was given the news. I don't even know if she'll make it, or wants to. She has nothing left to hold on to. I wish I could help her, but I'm so torn apart right now I don't think I could help anybody. Not even myself. It's so cold. He must be freezing. I wish I could give him something warm to drink- He's dead Dana! You're delusional! In school they taught us to detach ourselves from death. Those bodies are no longer people, but he was a person, and that body is the only connection I had to him. How am I supposed to detach myself from that, from my memories, and pretend that it mean's nothing anymore? They think they know everything. Well, it's easier said than done. But I am a scientist by nature. I should be able to handle death. After all, life itself is nothing more than a coincidence, right? No, I don't believe that. I know it's so much more. I believe in God and souls and heaven and hell. I know he's in heaven. He's finally at peace. Maybe he's with his sister. Maybe he finally found what he'd been looking for all along. And maybe we're all better off dead. Like me- Here I am, on earth, in my own personal hell. I'm so tired. I'm so numb. My teeth are chattering and I can't even feel my body below me, but I haven't felt much of anything in days, except pain; this raw, unbridled pain that has usurped every ounce of the strength that I used to represent. But I don't even care, I don't. It's not important anymore. Nothing is. I just want to curl up beside him and sleep forever. And we'll be together forever. And I won't have to try to mend this broken heart any longer. I feel so drained. It's getting dark. Did the rain stop? No, it's just a mist now. I think it was pouring pretty hard earlier, but I don't really remember. I want Mom. She can help make the pain go away. I know she can. I kneel down, with my hand upon his name. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I can't go on fighting your fight alone. I'm not as strong as you. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. Please? And please give me a sign that you're okay. Tell me everything is going to be all right. I need to know. I close my eyes and he is there. Again he takes my trembling chin in his hands and wraps his arms around me, I am shivering from the cold, but somehow I feel the warmth of him around me. It's all going to be okay Dana. I promise. You'll get through this. I know you can. I open my eyes. " Mom?" She is beside me, her arms around me again. She looks at me knowingly. Slowly she helps me to my feet and guides me to the car. I breathe. It's all going to be okay. Disclaimer: The X-Files and the Characters of Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, et. Al. are the property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended. Replies: Please send all comments, criticism, or other input to Xphelyne@aol.com. Thank you