Title: To Mourn a Partner (1/1)

Author: loveJanick

E-mail Address: loveJanick@sympatico.ca

Distribution: If you like it, take it and post it.

Spoiler Warning: Post-TINH

Rating: PG

Classification: SVRA

Keywords: Character death, MSR

Players: M, S, Sk, D, Of

Summary: The incredible numbness of it all...

____________________________________________________________

They could hear her from the woods where they had found Mulder's
lifeless body.  She screamed her desperation loud and clear for what
it seemed like hours.  When her voice finally broke down from
exhaustion, she just laid down in the room where she had left and lost
Jeremiah Smith.  But, both men were not to be coming back. 

Skinner was too devastated to go inside and try to recomfort her. 
Doggett didn't feel like it was appropriate for him either since he
had shown her how to keep hope of finding him alive, but had failed. 
It was Monica who decided that she shouldn't be kept alone wether, or
not, Scully wanted it too.  So, she went and brought her out. 

Scully looked numbed.  Her once beautiful and liveful face had turned
into a ghostly expression.  Monica helped her walk to their car, even
though she was clearly able to do it by herself, and kept whispering
her sweet words that would maybe help in her grieving process.  Scully
listenned, but did not speak back.  She was mute. 

The trip back home was similar.  Skinner drove back with Doggett. 
Both men stayed silent for the entire time, aside from some sighs that
told more that words can say.  Monica had taken the responsability to
look over Scully and bring her home safe and sound.  She even offered
her to leave her at her mother's house. 

"I'd rather not." Scully had finally broken her silence in a soft
murmur. 

"It's alright, but I still feel you shouldn't be left alone at this
moment."  Monica had mumbled as she dropped Scully off at her
appartment building. 

Scully had tried to fake a smile as she closed the car door and turned
around to go home, but it appeared more like a bad grimace.  She took
the business card Monica had given her and slid it in her coat pocket,
never looking back at the car that was still sitting in front of the
edifice.  She thought of calling her later on. 

Monica left once Scully was inside.  She walked up the stairs to her
appartment with great difficulty, as if she had suddenly became the
heaviest person in the world.  She certainly felt like she was heavy,
heavy with sadness and suffering.  She finally reached her floor,
walked up to her door and got her keys out. 

She looked down at her shaky hand that tried to unlock the bolt and
felt the urge to cry.  But, Scully wasn't the type to show her
emotions for everyone to see.  So, she stopped herself from doing so,
even if there wasn't anybody around in the hallway with her.  Still, a
tear did escape and rolled down her cheek onto her hand. 

The door openned and closed slowly and almost silently.  She didn't
bother to open the lights.  She just put her bag down on the floor and
stood still, watching the darkness in the room.  He wasn't there
either as he appeared to her earlier.  Maybe it had only been a
figment of her imagination that prepared her for the worst. 

But, she was not.  When she had seen him, as cold as the earth he was
lying down upon, her heart had felt like it had exploded.  If it was
not for the adrenaline that pumped through her veins, she wouldn't
have went back to the cabin to look for the alien healer.  She
would've laid down beside him and left the living world. 

But, she did not.  She had a child to think about, their love child. 
She had to bring it to terms and raise him, or her, up to be a great
person.  She had a reason to live and that reason was all that she had
left of Mulder.  She caressed her belly and closed her eyes.  She
experimented something again, something from the past. 

As her lids fell down, she did not see black.  Instead, she saw her
life repeating itself as if it was all a big epic movie.  She saw her
family when all it's members were still alive and well.  She saw all
the men she loved before she met "The One", Mulder.  Then, she saw the
last seven years she spent with him.  She woke up. 

When her eyes openned, she was lying down on the living room carpet. 
The sun came in through the shades and lit up her face.  Her skin felt
warm and uncomfortable, so she got up and noticed she had just slept
more than over twelve straight hours.  She sat down on her couch and
coughed to clear her throat out. 

She picked up the phone and dialed her mother's phone number.  Before
anyone could pick up and answer, she hung up.  The thought of a hot
cleansing shower had crossed her mind, so she decided to take one. 
She picked her stuff up and went into her bedroom to unpack.  Then,
she spent an eternity in the shower. 

Sitting back on her couch with a cup of strong black coffee, in her
bathrobe, she laid her head back and looked outside.  The sun was
bright, the sky was clear and the wind made the leaves in the trees
dance as they fell down to earth.  She always though grieving days
would be gray and wet.  She decided to call her mother. 

"Hello?" Margret Scully picked up after two rings. 

"Mom?" Scully groaned with her harsh voice. 

"Dana, baby?" Margret felt the terror in her daughter's voice.  "Is
it...?" 

Scully didn't need to tell her, she somehow felt it and already knew. 
Margret stopped herself from saying his name, not afraid of making
matters worst, but afraid of the inevitable.  Scully tried to stay
strong and unemotional, but she couldn't help it.  She couldn't help
herself, so she bursted out into tears. 

"He's dead!" she answered her mother's doubts.  "I...  But, I..." 

"It's not your fault, honey!" Margret murmured. 

"Yes, it is!" Scully replied coldly.  "Somehow, it is because I
could've saved him.  Or, at least, I could've done a simple little
thing differently and he would still live." 

"Darling..." Margret whispered.  "You're speaking in riddles." 

"I surrendered a powerful man into the wrong hands and that man
could've healed Mulder." Scully admitted. 

"Dana...  I know you!" Margret began.  "You couldn't have known or,
else, you would've handled things the right way.  You didn't kill
him." 

"I loved him, mom!" Scully spoke softly.  "I love him and I refuse to
let go of him." 

"When your father passed away, I felt very much like you are right
now."  Margret wanted to explore a new way to explain her daughter how
to choose the right path back to a normal and healthy life.  "But, I
knew it was part of a bigger plan and that I would, one day, be back
into his loving arms.  You have to let go, baby!" 

"I know, but I don't know if I can." Scully cried on. 

"I know you can.  Do you want me to come over?" Margret wondered. 

"No..." Scully dried her tears.  "I just needed to hear your voice and
listen to your advices." 

"Call me back soon, okay?" Margret didn't question, but gently ordered
her girl. 

"Alright!  Bye!" she responded as she hung up the phone and got up. 

Scully didn't let go right away.  She thought it would be best to let
go a little bit at a time.  Of course, she couldn't let go of
everything and, especially, not the very good and fond memories she
had of him and them.  She would need to grieve, but she would have
people to talk too if she needed too, her mother, Monica, Doggett
and... 

"Skinner?" he answered as he picked up the phone. 

"Walter?  It's me." Scully finally spoke to him. 

"Dana?" he was paralyzed by the thought of the pain he had caused her
by losing Mulder twice already. 

"I wanted to let you know that I don't blame you, nor myself, for
Mulder's death." she remained calm at the other end of the line. 

"Why not?  I did let him go..." he started. 

"It was not your choice to make, but his." she interrupted her boss
and friend.  "I don't think anyone would've been able to convince him
not to go on this mission." 

"The baby..." Skinner mumbled. 

"Is a souvenir he left behind for us to remember him by." she
recomforted him. 

"I admire you, Dana!" Skinner confessed.  "You can forgive me for
something I might never forget." 

"Because you are my friend and I trust you." Scully replied. 

"Thank you!  I'll talk to you later!" Skinner said as he hung up. 

Though the hurt she felt from the pain of losing Mulder, she knew she
wasn't the only one who would have a hard time getting through this. 
Skinner appeared to be tough, but he was a very sensitive man.  She
thought her call might help him go through it.  And, it would also
help her too because she would need his support. 

Scully looked outside and the sun was still shining.  The sky was
still blue and the trees still danced with the wind.  Fall and winter
were near and, though they were sad seasons, it didn't mean Scully had
to go with their flow.  She had time to grieve over his disappearance. 
Now, it was time to mourn a partner, a friend and a lover.